Awesome Lampoon

SATIRE: (Noun) The Use of Humor, Irony, Exaggeration, or Ridicule

To Expose or Criticize People’s Stupidity or Vices…

-NEW OXFORD AMERICAN DICTIONARY

Don’t Sell Yourself Short Judge–You’re a Tremendous Slouch.

-Ty Webb, Caddyshack

Utterly Bias and Unscholarly (But True) Study Reveals That Autotune is Like a Drug to Millennials

August 9, 2018

A recent study from ATA’s own DTK (Drink the KoolAid) laboratory, revealed that Millennials and Post Millennials alike are genetically predisposed to become addicted to Autotune.

Stupid Good-Looking Guy in Office (AKA Slick One-Upper) is Wearing a Bad Brains Shirt and is a Bigger Fan Than You

April 19, 2018

There was tension today when chiseled, blonde, blue-eyed, Newport Beach High/USC alumni, Chase Von Gruber showed up at the monthly after work mixer wearing a Bad Brains, Youth Are Getting Restless, T-shirt.

Crypto-Currency Guy Needs New Trend to Bandwagon On If He Wants To Maintain His Reign as Alpha Male in the Office

March 14, 2018

I learned to just play it cool and slip in comments like ‘I just made a killing on Litecoin yesterday. It went up 500% percent between the time we got here and lunch. Who has two thumbs and is going to Monaco to hang with Beyonce this summer...This guy.’ See, so smooth, I should be called ‘Butter.’”

St Louis-Area Woman Declared Punk Rock Nurse of the Year by Suburban Hospital

March 28, 2018

St Louis resident Jayme Stabb, also known as Jaime Siedrech, was honored with the Most Punk Rock Nurse Award by the staff of St Cornelius Hospital in Cotteville, Missouri.

Old School Gamer Disappointed by New School Additions to Call Of Duty: World War II

February 12, 2018

Walter Fullmore, 38, of Manitowoc, WI, an avid Call of Duty fan, was ecstatic to hear about the game returning to its roots in World War II. Turns out for Fullmore, he would find himself in a place he did not recognize. The multiplayer.

After Celebrating The Washington Capitals First Stanley Cup Win Ovechkin Wakes Up Without a Tongue

June 9, 2018

Alexander Ovechkin (“Ovi”) told ATA that as a result of such win he was “Overwhelmed and honored at the possibility of being the 1000thspecially invited Russian VIP to meet with President Trump at the White House this year.”

English Professor Looks Forward to Telling People He's Not into Sports

March 5, 2018

Thirty-eight year-old Chad Swampf, an English professor in the suburbs of Chicago, finds himself getting very excited this time of the year as the upcoming NCAA College Basketball Tournament as well as the beginning of Major League Baseball season provides him with several opportunities to inform complete strangers that he is not into sports at all.

Awesome Totally Awesome - Parents with Fortnite Playing Flossing Teen

Parents Around the World are Refusing to Hangout With Their Fortnite Flossing Adolescents

December 20, 2018

In a strange turn of events, parents around the globe are devising any excuse to avoid hanging out (or even be seen) with their Fortnite flossing kids.

PLAYAAA!69 Proclaims That He Will Never Stop Playing Hanzo

January 8, 2018

Despite constant bullying, Hanzo Main, I.P. Knightley (who plays as PLAYAAA!69), proclaims that he will never stop playing Hanzo, and feels the even when his entire team has already picked their character and there is no healer and no tank on the team, that he must pick Hanzo.

Potheads Rally to Make 4/20 a National Holiday But Keep Losing Motivation

March 26, 2018

For the past decade, I think, or at least a long time (like five years), marijuana advocates around the country have attempted to rally together to petition the man to make 4/20 a national holiday.

Malcolm Gladwell Sued by Shaq, Wallace, Jordan and Drummond

March 2, 2018

SHAQUILLE O’NEAL, BEN WALLACE, DEANDRE JORDAN, AND ANDRE DRUMMOND filed a joint lawsuit in Federal District Court against author Malcolm Gladwell

Despite Video Evidence, Texas Man Refuses to Admit He Has Ever Been Drunk

August 5, 2018

Despite video evidence to the contrary, Jethro Chevydiesel (Chevydiesel) refused to admit he was drunk the night before—or ever. “I ain’t never been drunk in my Goddamn life.”

Mother Clips Tags From Son’s Off White Jordans and Subsequently Ruins His Life

July 23, 2018

“It started off well enough,” he lamented. “I mean it actually started off great. On Monday, my birthday, I woke up to a deadstock pair of Off White Jordans from my mom and dad. I thought it was a dream, you know.”

Supreme to Offer Budget Line of Products

2 Comments

March 1, 2018

For those of you who cannot afford Supreme gear at retail, let alone aftermarket pricing, Supreme will soon be offering a budget line called Supreme Market, featuring items conveniently priced below $40.00.

FILE CLERK UNFAIRLY SHUNNED FOR REFUSING TO PARTICIPATE IN OFFICE GIFT EXCHANGE

January 8, 2018

Ashley Handy, filing clerk for local law firm Dewey Schrougham & Howe alleges that she has been bullied, maligned, and routinely left with the raisin bagel after refusing to participate in the firm’s annual secret Santa exchange.

Awesome Totally Awesome's Review of Balenciaga's Spring 2018 Lookbook

1 Comment

March 2, 2018

I should open with the following statement: I know nothing about high fashion. But I do know the difference between something aesthetically pleasing tickling my photoreceptors from an outfit that makes me think “What’s going on here?!”

The New Apple x Suicidal Tendencies Circle Pit Watch Will Revolutionize Your Circle Pit Safety and Experience

March 26, 2018

According to Muir, “All I wanted was a basic, durable, no bullshit watch, like my old Casio, but with an Institutionalized ring tone and THEY WOULDN’T GIVE IT TO ME.”

College Sophomore Looks Forward to Getting Really Bonzooed at Lollapalooza after Flunking out of College

June 18, 2018

Repeat college sophomore, Jesse Hammerstein, stated in a Facebook post Wednesday that he’s looking forward to “getting really f*d up this year at Lollapalooza after finishing my summer classes and graduating from my sophomore year at college #oxysbro #success.”

Whitehouse Chief Strategist Resigns Over Trump's Cosplay Obsession With Overwatch's D.va

February 28, 2018

In a shocking development, a newly released memo from President Trump’s twenty-fifth White House Chief Strategist revealed his intentions for resignation, stemming from an incident involving the President’s obsession with the massively popular video game, “Overwatch.”

Awesome Totally Awesome - Street Theater

Street Theater Spontaneously Breaks out in Capital Building

May 5, 2018

An unprovoked, spontaneous performance of street theater broke out this afternoon in the rotunda of the state capital building while legislators were leaving session.

Crypto-Currency Guy Needs New Trend to Bandwagon On If He Wants To Maintain His Reign as Alpha Male in the Office

March 14, 2018

Canelo Alvarez Wasn't Lying: We Have Exclusive Pictures of the Roided Out Cows He Ate

April 20, 2018

Just a few weeks before the now postponed Canelo Alvarez (“Canelo”) v Gennady Golovkin (“GGG”) super fight rematch, Canelo tested positive for Clenbuterol (a banned substance) in two separate tests. In his defense, Canelo stated that the positive test results were caused by eating tainted Mexican meat during his training for the fight in Guadalajara.

Todd Sends a Dick Pic

June 7, 2018

Todd sits in the bathroom stall at work. He frantically combs his fingers through his hair and begins to pull at it. The beads of sweat pouring down from his forehead are only offset by his eyelids that are blinking a million times a second.

Six-Year-Old Disappointed Yet Again by Hipster Uncle’s Gift of Vinyl Records

February 12, 2018

Six-year-old Lindsey Morris was disappointed again this year after receiving a Birthday gift of record albums from her hipster uncle, Connor Butler.

“There Is A God,” Claim Millions of Atheists After Hearing the News That Bono Lost His Voice

September 4, 2018

Upon the news that Bono completely lost his voice, partway through U2’s performance in Berlin Saturday, atheists around the world began to seriously question their worldview.

How Maria Beat The Real Housewives of the PTA at Their Own Game

August 5, 2018

I really didn’t care about winning, but seeing this lady’s cheerleader determination, made me say “I’m winning this mofo.”

Anti-Kaepernick Sneaker Heads Saying Anything To Avoid Having to Burn Their Nikes

September 7, 2018

In response to Nike’s new Just Do It campaign featuring Colin Kaepernick, anti-Kaepernick supporters around the country began burning their Nike products and posting the images on social media.

Tekashi 6IX9INE Will Look Even More Ridiculous When He Cops The Supreme x Fox Collaboration Dropping Thursday.

May 10, 2018

Tekashi 6IX9INE, the self-proclaimed “King of New York” will look even more ridiculous when he along with all of the other non-motocross riding idiots purchase and start wearing pieces from the Supreme x Fox collection with no motorcycle in sight.

Utterly Bias and Unscholarly (But True) Study Reveals That Autotune is Like a Drug to Millennials

August 9, 2018

A recent study from ATA’s own DTK (Drink the KoolAid) laboratory, revealed that Millennials and Post Millennials alike are genetically predisposed to become addicted to Autotune.

Baggage Handlers Preparing to Destroy Your New Supreme X Rimowa Luggage

1 Comment

April 11, 2018

Upon the announcement that Supreme will be dropping its highly anticipated Supreme x Rimowa aluminum luggage collection, baggage handlers around the world began honing their sledgehammers and practicing their elbow drops in anticipation of completely annihilating each and every piece of this collection that makes its way into their possession.

Your Grandpa is Copping Supreme x Lacoste in Velour

April 19, 2018

Edward Murphy, a former Beverly Hills Cop turned barber plans on copping the velour bucket hat, track suit, and polo shirt in peach. When shown pictures of the track suit ensemble from Supreme’s online site, Murphy responded “What is that velvet? It’s beautiful.”

Lil Yachty Has No Idea What A Public Enemy Is, But Plans On Copping All Of The Supreme X Undercover Public Enemy Collection Releasing This Thursday

1 Comment

March 13, 2018

Despite, having no clue who Public Enemy (“PE”) is and having never heard PE’s classic, Fear of a Black Planet, Lil Yachty (“Yachty”), is eager to cop each and every piece of Supreme X UNDERCOVER’S Public Enemy collection.

Elon Musk’s Next Collaboration Is a Trip

September 3, 2018

ATA has since discovered that Musk is working closely with DTK (Drink the Koolaid) Labs on a new LSD that he claims will initiate a new industrial revolution.

Middle Aged Man Levels Up To Platinum In Overwatch And No One In His Family Or Peer Group Seems to Care

February 28, 2018

After nearly eight months of grinding it out in Overwatch, (a Blizzard competitive shooter game), Johnny Blaze, a middle aged, laid-off, former sales executive (and Junkrat main) finally leveled up to Platinum.

Angry Socialist Kindergarten Teacher Ruins Thanksgiving for Fifteen Local Families

November 21, 2018

A grassroots organization of concerned parents of students at the Zinn Uplift Progressive Elementary School warns of dangerous trends from a socialist classroom teacher.

Stupid Good-Looking Guy in Office (AKA Slick One-Upper) is Wearing a Bad Brains Shirt and is a Bigger Fan Than You

April 19, 2018

Awesome Totally Awesome - Keep Families Together Facebook

Area Man Unable to Attend ‘Keep Families Together’ Rally Due to Daughter’s Softball Team Commitment

August 3, 2018

Stanley family friend Leah Burt stated, “I was really surprised. I actually went to the rally because Taylor said Lindsey, the kids, and him were going to be there. But he was nowhere to be found.”

Awesome Totally Awesome - Todd does Lyft

Todd Gets a Job With Lyft

June 19, 2018

Todd sits in his car, anxiously tapping his fingers on his steering wheel in a rhythmic pattern as he waits for his passenger. He looks at his lit LYFT mustache on his dashboard, humming silently. “Okay, okay,” Todd thinks to himself, “let’s not screw this up.”

Awesome Totally Awesome Son Licking Jordans

Mother Walks in on Son Licking Jordans

July 13, 2018

Mother of nineteen-year-old Instagram influencer, 99Problem5Butmykiksaint1 (Maynard Marnywood) walked in on her son licking his Jordans. “My baby Maynard…Oh gawd, I can’t unsee what I just saw,”

Ex-Straight Edge Frontman Hashtags For The First Time And #feelslikeasellout

February 28, 2018

Syd V. Cias, former front man for late ‘90’s straight edge band, “No Fun At All,” recently quit his job as manager of the Tire Center at Costco in Tustin, CA to start an online magazine inspired by all things Ian MacKaye.

Flaming Lips Announce Record Store Day Release

March 26, 2018

Legendary Oklahoma-based psychedelic rock band the Flaming Lips have announced that their unusual Record Store Day release for 2018 is going to be a 7-inch vinyl pressed entirely from band members’ collective ear wax.

Man Who Didn’t Get Riot Fest Tickets Tries Convincing Anyone Who’ll Listen the Line-Up Isn’t That Good

August 3, 2018

Thirty-eight-year-old Dennis Skimler has taken to social media as well as personal interactions to inform the public that this year’s Riot Fest line-up is just not that good.

Girlfriend Has Difficulty Feigning Interest in All the New Bands Boyfriend Discovered at SXSW

March 26, 2018

Fallout 4 Addict Arrested After Breaking Into A Local Man’s Basement Survival Shelter

February 28, 2018

Fallout 4 addict, Michael Hunt was arrested this morning for several counts of burglary after breaking into a local man’s (survivalist Red Knect) basement survival shelter.

Wu-Tang Clan and Activision to Collaborate for Call of Duty, 36 Chambers Edition

March 1, 2018

Videogame giant Activision announced that it will be collaborating with the legendary hip hop conglomerate, the Wu Tang Clan (“Wu”) for several upcoming projects, including Call of Duty, 36 Chambers Edition.

Awesome Totally Awesome - Couple Held Captive

Local Couple Held Captive for Friend’s Unprovoked Acoustic Concert

November 21, 2018

Local man Colin Butler and his wife Cynthia report having just experienced a thirty-minute performance by area musician Jacob Jeffries.

Awesome Totally Awesome - Kanye West Poopity Scoop

Kanye West Launches New Pet Product Line Entitled “Poopity Scoop.”

September 28, 2018

Only a few months after the release of his hit song, “Lift Yourself,” Kanye has announced that he will be creating a line of pet waste scoopers for both cats and dogs.

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