After Celebrating The Washington Capitals First Stanley Cup Win Ovechkin Wakes Up Without a Tongue

Las Vegas, NV

After bringing the Washington Capitals their first Stanley Cup in their forty-four-year history as an organization, Alexander Ovechkin (“Ovi”) told ATA that as a result of such win he was “Overwhelmed and honored at the possibility of being the 1000thspecially invited Russian VIP to meet with President Trump at the White House this year.”

When asked what he meant, Ovi swilled another bottle of Crystal and responded, “My comrade Vlady [Putin] and I talk last night on disposable flip phone and he told me I may have honor of being 1000thRussian VIP to visit Whitehouse this year.  Right now it’s at about 949, but they have several more visits planned on, how you say, ‘the low down,’ before I visit, so Vlady said he’d play with the numbers and pull Mr. Donald’s puppet strings to ensure I’m 1000.  Even better, I don’t have hide my Russian accent, dress up like cowboy or NRA supporter, or say I’m part of Kid Rock’s entourage to get in. I can just be me.”

Before we could follow up with Ovi, he was surrounded by an entourage of Ivan Drago looking comrades in black suits  and was whisked away.

This morning it was reported that Ovi woke up without a tongue.

According to the Russian press, “The loss of a tongue, like the loss of teeth is a common hockey injury that Russian hockey players with big fucking mouths that can’t hold their vodka seem to be susceptible to.”

According to officials with the Washington Capitals, “Ovi will be spending the summer, including his day with the cup, debriefing…errrrr vacationing in a Siberian military camp.”

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