After Celebrating The Washington Capitals First Stanley Cup Win Ovechkin Wakes Up Without a Tongue

Las Vegas, NV

After bringing the Washington Capitals their first Stanley Cup in their forty-four-year history as an organization, Alexander Ovechkin (“Ovi”) told ATA that as a result of such win he was “Overwhelmed and honored at the possibility of being the 1000thspecially invited Russian VIP to meet with President Trump at the White House this year.”

When asked what he meant, Ovi swilled another bottle of Crystal and responded, “My comrade Vlady [Putin] and I talk last night on disposable flip phone and he told me I may have honor of being 1000thRussian VIP to visit Whitehouse this year.  Right now it’s at about 949, but they have several more visits planned on, how you say, ‘the low down,’ before I visit, so Vlady said he’d play with the numbers and pull Mr. Donald’s puppet strings to ensure I’m 1000.  Even better, I don’t have hide my Russian accent, dress up like cowboy or NRA supporter, or say I’m part of Kid Rock’s entourage to get in. I can just be me.”

Before we could follow up with Ovi, he was surrounded by an entourage of Ivan Drago looking comrades in black suits  and was whisked away.

This morning it was reported that Ovi woke up without a tongue.

According to the Russian press, “The loss of a tongue, like the loss of teeth is a common hockey injury that Russian hockey players with big fucking mouths that can’t hold their vodka seem to be susceptible to.”

According to officials with the Washington Capitals, “Ovi will be spending the summer, including his day with the cup, debriefing…errrrr vacationing in a Siberian military camp.”

Awesome Totally Awesome - Freaks & Weirdos Boutique
ATA - DTK

Awesome Dropping

Old School Gamer Disappointed by New School Additions to Call Of Duty: World War II

Walter Fullmore, 38, of Manitowoc, WI, an avid Call of Duty fan, was ecstatic to hear about the game returning to its roots in World War II. Turns out for Fullmore, he would find himself in a place he did not recognize. The multiplayer.
Awesome Totally Awesome - Food and Sex

Food and Sex: The Way to a Man's Heart (Duh)

Let's face it, the two things guys need to live are food and sex. To that end, our complex, yet feeble minds can be satisfied in a variety of ways involving both.
Awesome Totally Awesome Replaced My Bumper

I Replaced My Bumper: A Tale of Avoiding Trendy Plastic Surgery

My formative teen years did not involve the ever-present smartphone of today, but the media still found ways of consistently feeding me the image of “the perfect body.”

Awesome Features

Shut The Fuck Up Apple Cheddar Pie

This Awesome Totally Awesome recipe comes from Chef Vanessa Rosenspies formerly the head Pastry Chef at Model Milk one of Canada’s most celebrated restaurants in Calgary, Alberta, Canada.
Awesome Totally Awesome - Lupe Fiasco

Why Lupe Fiasco is Still My Favorite Rapper?

We get into Lupe Fiasco more closely especially after his most recent release, Drogas Wave.

The New Apple x Suicidal Tendencies Circle Pit Watch Will Revolutionize Your Circle Pit Safety and Experience

According to Muir, “All I wanted was a basic, durable, no bullshit watch, like my old Casio, but with an Institutionalized ring tone and THEY WOULDN’T GIVE IT TO ME.”

Awesome Trending

Awesome Totally Awesome - Refused

Reviewing Refused - The Shape of Punk to Come’s and Its Precognition

In 1998, the Swedish punk band Refused released an album so influential that its fans and bands alike would guide the Invisible Hand of fandom.
Awesome Totally Awesome - Dom Kennedy

Gotta Love Dom: The Underrated Rapper has Built a Cult Following Without Selling Out

With the continuous influx of soulless, mumble rap, many of us are yearning for the good old days. Fortunately, there are a few rappers out there restoring our faith in the genre.
Awesome Totally Awesome - Utterly Bias

Utterly Bias and Unscholarly (But True) Study Reveals That Autotune is Like a Drug to Millennials

A recent study from ATA’s own DTK (Drink the KoolAid) laboratory, revealed that Millennials and Post Millennials alike are genetically predisposed to become addicted to Autotune.