Whitehouse Chief Strategist Resigns Over Trump’s Cosplay Obsession With Overwatch’s D.va
Dear Honorable White House Chief of Staff,
In regards to the duties and responsibilities of the Executive Branch as described in the Constitution-one of the key functions of Executive Branch is to uphold the sanctity and validity of the Constitution. Furthermore, to appease the opinion of the American people, the Executive Branch’s sole responsibility is to enforce the laws created by the document written by our forefather Andrew Jackson.
The president has authorized the release of this memo, across approval of both houses of congress, to explicitly detail the departure of his twenty fifth White House Chief Strategist, which had been ratified for declassification from the results of the case Dept. of Navy vs. Rechtenstein, 588 US. 609, 699 (1899).
All professionalism aside, I had grave concerns about the direction the President had taken concerning military strategy involving North Korea. On the morning of February 1st, the President had requested my presence in the oval office over, “A very, very troubling video,” that he had discovered whilst on his social media break hour. He told me that, “These [expletive] boys are posting their skill videos on YouTube without thinking I would see them.”
I tried, in vain, to reassure him the videos he was watching were just captured gameplay from the Blizzard game, “Overwatch.” He paid no attention to my statement, instead shaking his head violently as he made several more terse statements about the owners of the videos. He then demanded to know who these people were and how to find them. When I told him that he could simply go to their respective profiles, he scoffed and claimed that they were, “Fake [expletive] accounts made by spineless democrats backed by Hilary Clinton.”
When I urged him to supply evidence, he kept repeating, “Check her emails.” He then told me to start drafting a plan to preemptively strike these, “Enemies of America,” in which I quickly rebutted. I told him, “These videos could have come from anywhere and to please use caution when using the words preemptive, strike, enemies, and America.”
He told me, in confidence, that these were “North Korean evil doers that are training themselves to attack us.” To which I replied, “They probably were not and this should be dropped immediately.” It was at this point though, I observed that his attention had shifted to a specific character.
As attached to this memo, figure 1. D.va.
A character named D.va, a fictional South Korean eSports gamer that was recruited to fight against a robotic uprising. Which was, truthfully, hard for me to comprehend, but for some odd reason the president seemed to be fixated by this character. His unbroken glazed over look, along with his surreptitiously odd way of licking his lips, gave me an uneasiness that even now I cannot forget.
Regardless, he told me, “To fight fire with fire, you need fire. And this thing is fire, so let’s fight fire with fire.” I reminded him that this was a fictitious character and this technology did not exist in the real world. To which he said, “That’s nonsense, I want you on this right away. Take the money from the DOD budget.”
Feeling an obligation to my country and my position, I at least researched what I could do. When I found out that this was just not at all possible, I returned to his office the next morning to give him the results of my research.
I was shocked to find that he had somehow procured D.va’s costume and was now wearing it in the Oval Office. Moreover, I’ll admit, I was strangely attracted to him, in a manner I had never felt before.
He was furious about how, “Blizzard had ‘nerfed’ D.Va’s ult, which is a nuke in itself.” Something that I was legitimately confused about, not having the knowledge needed to be this in depth into the game.
He vowed that once his robot had been built, there would be no “nerfing” of his nuke. He laughed for the rest of the afternoon. It was at this point that I felt my usefulness had run its course, whatever the president wanted to do was outside of my abilities.
At that moment, I had requested a meeting with the honorable White House Chief of Staff to discuss my resignation. I have no ill will to this president or this country I love. I want to serve it to the best of my abilities and make sure that the legacy of America and its citizens are preserved in such a manner best befitting of its character. So, I wish the president the best of luck, and God bless America.
The Honorable White House Chief Strategist, Ted Nugent
This was the official memo released from the White House today. The president had hoped this would clear any confusion as to whether or not his administration had colluded with Russia in the 2016 election.
Much to the contrary, this has confused congress, the military, and most of America. Whether or not the president was being serious is yet to be confirmed, but a massive cut to the DOD’s budget was confirmed today, in an odd series of misinterpreted head scratches from the members of congress being perceived as yes’s by the president himself.
We will continue to update this story.