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College Sophomore Looks Forward to Getting Really Bonzooed at Lollapalooza after Flunking out of College

By Brian Kruse

Repeat college sophomore, Jesse Hammerstein, stated in a Facebook post Wednesday that he’s looking forward to “getting really fucked up this year at Lollapalooza after finishing my summer classes and graduating from my sophomore year at college #oxysbro #success.” According to Hammerstein’s mother, this will be the 21-year old’s fourth consecutive year getting totally fucked up at Lolla.

“We are just so proud of Jesse. He goes to all these different places and gets totally trashed, or whatever the kids call it these days. It’s so good of him to have all these experiences while he is young.”

Hammerstein’s best friend, Josh Skruggle, has accompanied him the past three years and is also looking forward to attending the festival, which will be held in Chicago’s Grant Park this August. “There’s just something so special about the way Hammer gets fucked up, man. I mean, we all like to party, but the Hammer takes that shit to a whole ‘nother level. Last year, after the Red Hot Chili Peppers, he was, like, throwing up everywhere. And me and a couple other guys took his wallet and told him he just lost it. We bought beer with the cash for the rest of the festival.”

Hammerstein’s girlfriend, Emily “Contin” Fischer, is looking forward to her first time attending the alternative rock institution now in its 27thyear. “This is my first year going as the Hammer’s girl, and I’m super stoked to see how fucked up he’s gonna get, especially during the Saturday night set by The Weekend.”

Unfortunately, four of Hammerstein’s college professors seem to be in agreement that, no matter how fucked up he will be during Lollapalooza, he will not be doing so as a college junior. Biology Professor Melissa DeRoset stated in an email to Awesome, Totally Awesome, “I would be very surprised if Jesse will be getting fucked up to Lil Uzi Vert, A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie, and Tank and the Bangas as a college junior this year. He’s failing four of his five classes and holding down a 1.2 GPA.”

Reached for comment, Steven Mnuchin Institute of Corporate Achievement, Inc.’s academic counselor, Jonathan Biggles, scoffed at the suggestion that Hammerstein would have anything to celebrate at Lollapalooza this year. “’The Hammer’ is on his fifth college and at the end of academic probation here at the Institute. But I hope he enjoys Cigarettes After Sex. I know I do.”

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