Crypto -Currency Guy Needs New Trend to Bandwagon On If He Wants To Maintain His Reign as Alpha Male in the Office
Blaine McAfferty has been riding dirty the past few months as the “go to” crypto-currency guy in the office.
“To tell you the truth, it was one of the biggest life heaters that I have ever had,” he told ATA. “I used to come to the office and just play dumb and keep to myself to lessen expectations. But after I bought a Bitcoin with a $350.00 Christmas bonus a few years back and started buying up different crypto currencies, I suddenly became the big dawg in the office.
“Around Thanksgiving last year, everyone in the office was coming to me for advice on what crypto to buy, where to buy it safely, what crypto wallet to store it in; even inquiring about how much money I made off of it. It was such a good run that I had a free lunch streak of 57 straight work days. Even the hotties were all, ‘Hiiii Blaine.’
“Plus, I had my hater retort down. I’d tell the naysayers that ‘Everyone thought the internet was a fad. Tell that to Jeff Besos now, player.’
“I also learned to just play it cool and slip in comments like ‘I just made a killing on Litecoin yesterday. It went up 500% percent between the time we got here and lunch. Who has two thumbs and is going to Monaco to hang with Beyonce this summer…This guy.’ See, so smooth, I should be called ‘Butter.’”
Since the recent plunge in the value of crypto-currencies, Blaine has been receiving more anger than praise.
“Who Bubble Boy?” commented jealous co-worker Christian Batener, “He had his few months in the sun. With the NCAA tournament around the corner, it’s my time to shine. Who has two thumbs and is going to be filling out brackets and doing body shots with all the office honeys’…this guy.”
“I used to think he was kind of cute,” said account executive, Lillian Benflow, as she attempted to make a natural expression, which came out as a constipated wince through all her botox injections. “But I got over it pretty quick when he tried to explain to me what a block chain was and spoke to me all slow with his hand gestures and shit, like I was an ESL student. A few days later, I heard him say ‘This guy,’ in his frat-boy voice and threw up in my throat a bit.”
When asked what Blaine plans on doing to maintain his popularity in the office, Blaine stated, “I’m not sure. I tried getting into streetwear. I purchased an online shopping bot and used it to buy a bunch of Supreme gear, thinking that would get me some juice. I wore an arc logo hoodie at an after work mixer the other night at Chi Chi’s bar and grill; however, the only people that seem to notice were the Asian tech dudes.”
“In the end,” said Blaine, “Crypto just hit a bump in the road and the market is just adjusting itself. Come summer, I’ll be the big dawg at the water cooler again. Who has two thumbs…”