Awesome Totally Awesome - Drunk Texan

Despite Video Evidence, Texas Man Refuses to Admit He Has Ever Been Drunk

Cleveland, Texas

Despite video evidence to the contrary, Jethro Chevydiesel (Chevydiesel) refused to admit he was drunk the night before—or ever.

“I ain’t never been drunk in my Goddamn life,” had been Chevydiesel’s mantra since he was twelve years old, stealing moonshine out of Great grandma Chevydiesel’s still.

Friends and family of Chevydiesel became so upset at Chevydiesel’s lies that they set out once and for all to prove to Chevydiesel that Chevydiesel was a drunk bastard.

When asked what they did? Johnny Ford stated, “Nothin’ special, just videoed him on my Samsung Galaxy after he chugged down a fifth of Jack. He started stumblin’ around and got real aggressive when he saw his wife Cherry Pie Chevydiesel with her Go Pro out. He was all, ‘You too sweet Cherry Pie,’ and began singing the hook to that Warrant song, ‘Sweet Cherry Pie.’  He was all ‘Sweet Cherry Pie…Fuuuuuuck Youuuuu.’ After repeating that several times, he said, ‘I’ll show you I ain’t drunk…watch me drive, muthafuckas.’  Me and Billy Bob’s one, two, three, junior, and senior were ready for that and locked our arms together like Voltron and blocked him from getting into his Chevy Diesel.  So, he ran around us and did one of them there Walter Payton spins and rolled onto his shoulder, but his momentum kept him going, and he stumbled into the work shed.

All of a sudden, the doors of the work shed were rolling up and there’s Jethro on the quad, cowboy hat on, revving the shit out of the thing like, rrrrnnnnn…rrrrrnnnn…rrrrrnnnnn. Next thing we know he popped the clutch and blazed through the cow pasture like he was Travis Pastrana in the X-games.

When we found him, his quad was tipped over on the other side of the electric fence and he was propped up by a big old oak tree, facing us, dick out, giving us the devil horn salute, pissing on the fence.  At first, we were relieved to see he was still alive.  Then we realized he was pissing on an electric fence.

We were all, “Noooooooo,” in unison like a bunch of school girls.  Jethro just smiled and started to give us the finger, when he started convulsing and shaking, and was suddenly thrown back like a Stone Cold Steve Austin applied the Stone Cold Stunner on his ass.

Unfortunately, we didn’t get none of that shit on video.

If we did, I’d be driving the Grave Digger instead of that piece of shit Honda Ridgeline the boys tease me about, ‘cause that shit would have gone viral.”

When we showed Chevydiesel the limited video of him stumbling, slurring “Cherry Pie,” and running out the door, he denied being drunk.

“No way I was drunk.”

“What about your red eyes?”

“I wear contacts beatch.”

“Slurred speech.”

“My speech wasn’t slurred, that’s just them there shitty Chinese microphones on them shitty Oriental…or whatever you call them these days…phones they were using.”

“The constant stumbling?”

“That’s wasn’t me stumblin’. Your eyes are lying to you.  That Ford is real clever with them camera angles and was jolting the camera at the right time to make me look like I was stumblin’.”

“Anything else.”

“Yup—I ain’t never been drunk in my Goddamn life and now, I’ve got proof fuckers, ‘cause you can’t prove shit.  Now git your ass out of my house before I shoot ya.”

“Isn’t that a double negative?”

“Git.”

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