Awesome Totally Awesome - Couple Held Captive

Local Couple Held Captive for Friend’s Unprovoked Acoustic Concert

Local man Colin Butler and his wife Cynthia report having just experienced a thirty-minute performance by area musician Jacob Jeffries. According to the couple, the unprovoked musical imposition occurred when they joined Jeffries and his wife, Melinda, for what was planned to be a double date to a nearby Olive Garden. In an exclusive interview with Awesome, Totally Awesome, Colin reported, “We were supposed to meet them at their apartment before going out to eat so we could all drive together. I noticed that they had an acoustic guitar on the wall and I just casually asked Jacob if he plays. Without warning, he pulls down the guitar and starts playing that song ‘3 AM’ by Matchbox 20.”

Cynthia went on to explain that Jeffries’ performance did not end with his version of the 1998 Matchbox 20 track. “We thought it was kind of cute that he was playing a song for us, so we just smiled good-naturedly. But what we thought was going to be a short version of ‘3 AM’ turned into a thirty-minute marathon of songs by such mediocre acts as Hootie & the Blowfish, Train, and Sister Hazel. I don’t even want to talk about the version of Alanis Morisette’s ‘Ironic’ that he performed in a ghastly falsetto.”

According to Dr. Steve Graphler of the organization No Concerts Without Consent (NCWC), the average couple in their forties will spend a combined six hours-a-year being subjected to unsolicited performances of bad nineties’ songs performed by musician friends with poorly-tuned acoustic guitars and minimal talent.

Dr. Graphler says the problem has gotten so severe that NCWC recently put out a list on their website offering helpful hints to avoid unsolicited serenades. After sharing Butler’s story with him, he analyzed the events of that evening for ATA. “The first thing Colin did wrong was to acknowledge the existence of the guitar. Our research shows that if someone is prominently displaying their instruments in the front of the house, they are 95% more likely to provide guests with an unprovoked performance. So it is important to the visitor to refrain from asking questions about any displayed instruments lest they get trapped.” Graphler reports that in at least 15% of reported incidents, the victims are subjected to not only a performance but a tour of the musician’s home-made studio complete with an extended discussion on the merits of Pro-Tools versus Garage Band. They also tend to not-so-helpfully point out where all the wires and cables lead to.

When reached for comment, Melinda stated that she felt “simply awful” about what happened with the Butlers. “I usually try to make up a good excuse to have Jacob remove the instrument before company comes. However, Molly and I just decided on Olive Garden at the last minute and so this time it totally slipped my mind. It wasn’t until he was halfway through Third Eye Blind’s 1997 hit ‘Semi-Charmed Kind of Life’ that I realized my mistake. By then it was too late. I fear we may have lost our friends that day.”

Dr. Graphler expressed his opinion that relatives, particularly spouses but sometimes, unfortunately, children, have got to do their part in preventing spontaneous concerts like that experienced by the Butlers. “Our organization printed a booklet of excuses last year to compel would-be musicians to keep their instruments in more private locations. Reminding loved ones that they are good enough to be professional and therefore should not give away their music for free is a particularly helpful little fib that has spared many ears over the years.”

Perhaps, however, the Butlers were spared. When asked for comment by Awesome, Totally Awesome, Jacob Jeffries expressed regret. “Maybe I should have played some of my original material during the performance. I bet they would have got a real kick out of that.”

Awesome Totally Awesome - Freaks & Weirdos Boutique
ATA - DTK

Awesome Dropping

Awesome Totally Awesome - Exile On Main Street

Rock Editor, Cam Maxwell's Desert Island Album: Rolling Stones' Exile on Main St.

I ask myself: “What record would I want if I was stranded on a deserted island?” The answer is the Rolling Stones’ Exile on Main St.

Canelo Alvarez Wasn't Lying: We Have Exclusive Pictures of the Roided Out Cows He Ate

Just a few weeks before the now postponed Canelo Alvarez (“Canelo”) v Gennady Golovkin (“GGG”) super fight rematch, Canelo tested positive for Clenbuterol (a banned substance) in two separate tests. In his defense, Canelo stated that the positive test results were caused by eating tainted Mexican meat during his training for the fight in Guadalajara.

Santa Clarita Diet: Abby’s Guide to Surviving Her Flesh Eating Mom

Season 2 of Santa Clarita Diet has finally arrived. When we last left the not-so-heroic heroes of our story, they had basically messed up everything. To be fair, poor Sheila did randomly turn into a zombie with no explanation as to why (can we get to that part of the story, please?), which is enough to make any family a little crazy.

Awesome Features

Awesome Totally Awesome - Temple Of The Dog

ATA Revisits The Classic, Temple of the Dog

There are few hard rock albums with packed with as much raw emotion as the stellar Temple of the Dog record.
UBER Chronicles

Uber Chronicles: Adventure With Deborah

I ordered the Uber when I arrived. I tried to contact the driver only to find that the option to call him was not available; I could only send him a text. I informed him that I was visually impaired and standing by the curb. Just to make sure, I also told him that visually impaired meant that I could not see.
Awesome Totally Awesome Wickenheiser

Maple Leafs Move With the Times in Hiring Wickenheiser The GOAT of Women's Hockey

The Toronto Maple Leafs announced that they hired Canadian Olympian and gold medalist Hayley Wickenheiser as Assistant Director of Player Development on Thursday August 23, 2018.

Awesome Trending

Awesome Totally Awesome - Scientology

Hanging With The Brainwashers: ATA Goes Undercover With The Church of Scientology

It was a rainy day in Sydney, Australia when I was walking down a sidewalk with my Finnish friend Isabella, when I saw a nice enough looking woman handing out some kind of paper to passersby.
Iron Maiden Killers

Making "Killers": How Iron Maiden Got the "Maiden Sound"

Most Iron Maiden fans rave about the Killers album, while others think it's overrated. But everyone agrees it's the record that gave birth to Iron Maiden's unique sound.
Awesome Totally Awesome - Supreme Box Hoodie Legit Check 101Four-Pins

Legit Check 101 Supreme: Box Logo Hoodies

The Supreme Box Logo (“BOGO”) Hoodie is one of the most iconic and sought Supreme pieces year in and year out. We’re here to provide you with a basic checklist that should apply to any BOGO Hoodie within the past 10 years.