Mother Clips Tags From Son’s Off White Jordans and Subsequently Ruins His Life

July 23, 2018/in Awesome, Awesome Lampoon, Steez, You Know My Steez /by Steve Kitagawa

It has been a difficult week for the Jaspar Gnubelenz and his family.

“It started off well enough,” he lamented. “I mean it actually started off great. On Monday, my birthday, I woke up to a deadstock pair of Off White Jordans from my mom and dad. I thought it was a dream, you know.”

He went on, “Apparently my mom slipped the kid at Kicks Por Vida [in Irvine, California] a fifty spot, and he made sure he taped their raffle ticket to the bottom of the raffle can, so when the ticket was drawn, he simply had to find the one of the paid for taped tickets and pull it out. My mom was later called by the shop which held them for her to pick up the day they were released.”

“I guess there was some controversy over the legitimacy of the raffle, when the Instagram picture showed tape on a few of the winning raffle tickets and my mom was told that she may have to return the shoes, so they could have a redrawing due to all of the Instagram controversy. She didn’t know what to do, so she clipped the zip tag, threw out the box, and went to talk to the kid.

“When I showed up at school, everyone was claiming me and my Off Whites. It was like I won the Super Bowl. Even the girls that go the Starbucks before school were talking to me. Telling my Off Whites were lit and shit. However, later that day, this kid Lorenzo pointed out that my Off Whites were fake because they didn’t have the zip tag. After that, the whole school turned on me. I can’t believe this shit. My mom ruined my life. What the fuck was she thinking.”

According to Lorenzo, “Jaspar is a fraud. He showedup at school with these fake as Off White Jordan’s with no zip tie and then tried to blame it on his mom using some elaborate story like his family are the Corleone’s or something. What a kook. Now he just looks like a Fraudy Fraud Frauderson.”

“A what?”

When ATA spoke with Jaspar’s mom, Helga, she told ATA, “I don’t know what Jaspar is crying about. We won the Jordan’s fair and square.”

“According to Jaspar, you slipped the kid at KicksPor Vida a Fifty spot to win the raffle.”

“What are you talking about? We won that raffle legitimately, anyone that tells you different is a deadma…I mean a liar. Don’t listen to Jaspar, that kid is all hormonal and delirious—and he has a big fucking mouth for a Gnubalenz.”

ATA attempted to interview the kid, Fredo, who picked out the winning raffle tickets at Kicks Por Vida, but according to the manager, “That deadbeat had disappeared about a week ago, and didn’t even have that courtesy to call in or get any of his shifts covered.”

One of the other employees told ATA, “The last time I saw Fredo, I was walking out to the parking lot after closing and some tall, milfy, European lady had his head in both of her hands then kissed him on the forehead, saying ‘I knew it was you Fredo.’ I was like, all right Fredo,” and gave him two thumbs up. He must have been embarrassed to be with the milf, even though, she was a milf, because he looked white as a ghost.”

ATA knows nothing, saw nothing, and uncovered nothing in their reporting of this article. Moreover, Helga was out of town on business from a week before the raffle until at least a week after Fredo’s irresponsible punk ass disappeared to most likely hitchhike across the country, which is a very dangerous and irresponsible activity where a plethora of terrible things could happen.