Drake crying

Mother Clips Tags From Son’s Off White Jordans and Subsequently Ruins His Life

It has been a difficult week for the Jaspar Gnubelenz and his family.

“It started off well enough,” he lamented.  “I mean it actually started off great.  On Monday, my birthday, I woke up to a deadstock pair of Off White Jordans from my mom and dad.  I thought it was a dream, you know.”

He went on, “Apparently my mom slipped the kid at Kicks Por Vida [in Irvine, California] a fifty spot, and he made sure he taped their raffle ticket to the bottom of the raffle can, so when the ticket was drawn, he simply had to find the one of the paid for taped tickets and pull it out.  My mom was later called by the shop which held them for her to pick up the day they were released.”

“I guess there was some controversy over the legitimacy of the raffle, when the Instagram picture showed tape on a few of the winning raffle tickets and my mom was told that she may have to return the shoes, so they could have a redrawing due to all of the Instagram controversy. She didn’t know what to do, so she clipped the zip tag, threw out the box, and went to talk to the kid.

“When I showed up at school, everyone was claiming me and my Off Whites.  It was like I won the Super Bowl.  Even the girls that go the Starbucks before school were talking to me.  Telling my Off Whites were lit and shit.  However, later that day, this kid Lorenzo pointed out that my Off Whites were fake because they didn’t have the zip tag. After that, the whole school turned on me.  I can’t believe this shit.  My mom ruined my life.  What the fuck was she thinking.”

According to Lorenzo, “Jaspar is a fraud.  He showedup at school with these fake as Off White Jordan’s with no zip tie and then tried to blame it on his mom using some elaborate story like his family are the Corleone’s or something.  What a kook.  Now he just looks like a Fraudy Fraud Frauderson.”

“A what?”

When ATA spoke with Jaspar’s mom, Helga, she told ATA, “I don’t know what Jaspar is crying about.  We won the Jordan’s fair and square.”

“According to Jaspar, you slipped the kid at KicksPor Vida a Fifty spot to win the raffle.”

“What are you talking about?  We won that raffle legitimately, anyone that tells you different is a deadma…I mean a liar. Don’t listen to Jaspar, that kid is all hormonal and delirious—and he has a big fucking mouth for a Gnubalenz.”

ATA attempted to interview the kid, Fredo, who picked out the winning raffle tickets at Kicks Por Vida, but according to the manager, “That deadbeat had disappeared about a week ago, and didn’t even have that courtesy to call in or get any of his shifts covered.”

One of the other employees told ATA, “The last time I saw Fredo, I was walking out to the parking lot after closing and some tall, milfy, European lady had his head in both of her hands then kissed him on the forehead, saying ‘I knew it was you Fredo.’  I was like, all right Fredo,” and gave him two thumbs up.  He must have been embarrassed to be with the milf, even though, she was a milf, because he looked white as a ghost.”

ATA knows nothing, saw nothing, and uncovered nothing in their reporting of this article.  Moreover, Helga was out of town on business from a week before the raffle until at least a week after Fredo’s irresponsible punk ass disappeared to most likely hitchhike across the country, which is a very dangerous and irresponsible activity where a plethora of terrible things could happen.

Awesome Totally Awesome - Freaks & Weirdos Boutique
ATA - DTK

Awesome Dropping

UBER Chronicles

Uber Chronicles: Jesus Rides Beside Me

Today I had an Uber driver name Jesus. The first few times I tried to call him, it went straight to voicemail. Jesus didn’t answer his calls.
Awesome Totally Awesome - DTK

The Five Greatest Tony Iommi Riffs in Black Sabbath Songs

There's not one guitarist who has had more influence on heavy metal than Black Sabbath's Tony Iommi.

English Professor Looks Forward to Telling People He's Not into Sports

Thirty-eight year-old Chad Swampf, an English professor in the suburbs of Chicago, finds himself getting very excited this time of the year as the upcoming NCAA College Basketball Tournament as well as the beginning of Major League Baseball season provides him with several opportunities to inform complete strangers that he is not into sports at all.

Awesome Features

Cliff Burton's Influence on Ride The Lightning

There's no question Metallica's sophomore album, Ride the Lightning saw the band finding their thrash metal stride with better songs and production than on their stunning debut Kill 'Em All.
Awesome Totally Awesome - Scientology

Hanging With The Brainwashers: ATA Goes Undercover With The Church of Scientology

It was a rainy day in Sydney, Australia when I was walking down a sidewalk with my Finnish friend Isabella, when I saw a nice enough looking woman handing out some kind of paper to passersby.
Awesome Totally Awesome Zen Hipster Douche

How To Be Zen Without Being a Douchebag

We live in a loud, obnoxious, ugly, and yes sometimes orange “Trumped-up” world. We all want a little more peace… a little calmer.

Awesome Trending

Awesome Totally Awesome - DTK

Digging For Dirt: How Alice In Chains Made Their Ultimate Album

Among the truly great heavy metal albums, Alice in Chains' masterpiece Dirt is easily a cut above the rest.
Awesome Totally Awesome - Lupe Fiasco

Why Lupe Fiasco is Still My Favorite Rapper?

We get into Lupe Fiasco more closely especially after his most recent release, Drogas Wave.
Awesome Totally Awesome How Maria Beat

How Maria Beat The Real Housewives of the PTA at Their Own Game

I really didn’t care about winning, but seeing this lady’s cheerleader determination, made me say “I’m winning this mofo.”