Drake crying

Mother Clips Tags From Son’s Off White Jordans and Subsequently Ruins His Life

It has been a difficult week for the Jaspar Gnubelenz and his family.

“It started off well enough,” he lamented.  “I mean it actually started off great.  On Monday, my birthday, I woke up to a deadstock pair of Off White Jordans from my mom and dad.  I thought it was a dream, you know.”

He went on, “Apparently my mom slipped the kid at Kicks Por Vida [in Irvine, California] a fifty spot, and he made sure he taped their raffle ticket to the bottom of the raffle can, so when the ticket was drawn, he simply had to find the one of the paid for taped tickets and pull it out.  My mom was later called by the shop which held them for her to pick up the day they were released.”

“I guess there was some controversy over the legitimacy of the raffle, when the Instagram picture showed tape on a few of the winning raffle tickets and my mom was told that she may have to return the shoes, so they could have a redrawing due to all of the Instagram controversy. She didn’t know what to do, so she clipped the zip tag, threw out the box, and went to talk to the kid.

“When I showed up at school, everyone was claiming me and my Off Whites.  It was like I won the Super Bowl.  Even the girls that go the Starbucks before school were talking to me.  Telling my Off Whites were lit and shit.  However, later that day, this kid Lorenzo pointed out that my Off Whites were fake because they didn’t have the zip tag. After that, the whole school turned on me.  I can’t believe this shit.  My mom ruined my life.  What the fuck was she thinking.”

According to Lorenzo, “Jaspar is a fraud.  He showedup at school with these fake as Off White Jordan’s with no zip tie and then tried to blame it on his mom using some elaborate story like his family are the Corleone’s or something.  What a kook.  Now he just looks like a Fraudy Fraud Frauderson.”

“A what?”

When ATA spoke with Jaspar’s mom, Helga, she told ATA, “I don’t know what Jaspar is crying about.  We won the Jordan’s fair and square.”

“According to Jaspar, you slipped the kid at KicksPor Vida a Fifty spot to win the raffle.”

“What are you talking about?  We won that raffle legitimately, anyone that tells you different is a deadma…I mean a liar. Don’t listen to Jaspar, that kid is all hormonal and delirious—and he has a big fucking mouth for a Gnubalenz.”

ATA attempted to interview the kid, Fredo, who picked out the winning raffle tickets at Kicks Por Vida, but according to the manager, “That deadbeat had disappeared about a week ago, and didn’t even have that courtesy to call in or get any of his shifts covered.”

One of the other employees told ATA, “The last time I saw Fredo, I was walking out to the parking lot after closing and some tall, milfy, European lady had his head in both of her hands then kissed him on the forehead, saying ‘I knew it was you Fredo.’  I was like, all right Fredo,” and gave him two thumbs up.  He must have been embarrassed to be with the milf, even though, she was a milf, because he looked white as a ghost.”

ATA knows nothing, saw nothing, and uncovered nothing in their reporting of this article.  Moreover, Helga was out of town on business from a week before the raffle until at least a week after Fredo’s irresponsible punk ass disappeared to most likely hitchhike across the country, which is a very dangerous and irresponsible activity where a plethora of terrible things could happen.

Awesome Totally Awesome - Freaks & Weirdos Boutique
ATA - DTK

Awesome Dropping

Awesome Totally Awesome - Joey Bada$$

I Reminisce: ATA Reviews and Revisits Joey Bada$$ Classic 1999

Joey Bada$$. A prodigy of rap truly ahead of his time with a sound that oozes nostalgic New York rap.
UBER Chronicles

Had a Bad Day...

Sometimes I feel like my blindness makes me invisible to Uber drivers as they have the tendency to drive right past me even though I’m the only person standing where they are supposed to pick up and I’m holding a phone. Maybe it’s something psychological that the driver experiences. Maybe they just assume that they won’t have a blind passenger and, if they just travel on a little further, they’ll find the able-bodied passenger they were supposed to meet.
Awesome Totally Awesome Metallica 1996

James Hetfield Wasn't a Fan of Metallica's Mid-'90s Look

When Metallica fans purchased the Load album in 1996, they were probably shocked seeing what the band looked like in the liner notes.

Awesome Features

UnSpotified: We Revisit De La Soul's Unstreamed Masterpiece, Buhloone Mindstate

This group doesn’t talk about how financially solvent they are. They talk about being late on their rent. They talk about letting their parents down and missing them. They talk about letting their friends down. They talk about not judging others who have made different choices. And when Dave says, “I’m the greatest MC in the world,” it’s ironic, it’s self-deprecating.
Awesome Totally Awesome

Wu-Tang Clan and Activision to Collaborate for Call of Duty, 36 Chambers Edition

Videogame giant Activision announced that it will be collaborating with the legendary hip hop conglomerate, the Wu Tang Clan (“Wu”) for several upcoming projects, including Call of Duty, 36 Chambers Edition.
Awesome Totally Awesome - Supreme Box Hoodie Legit Check 101Four-Pins

Legit Check 101 Supreme: Box Logo Hoodies

The Supreme Box Logo (“BOGO”) Hoodie is one of the most iconic and sought Supreme pieces year in and year out. We’re here to provide you with a basic checklist that should apply to any BOGO Hoodie within the past 10 years.

Awesome Trending

Awesome Totally Awesome Bono

“There Is A God,” Claim Millions of Atheists After Hearing the News That Bono Lost His Voice

Upon the news that Bono completely lost his voice, partway through U2’s performance in Berlin Saturday, atheists around the world began to seriously question their worldview.
UBER Chronicles

Uber Chronicles: Tuesday Morning Microagression

Mike was my fellow Uber passenger. He got out to help me into the vehicle. As he got back in, he told Bob, our driver, to hop to it! Bob thanked him for helping me get in.
Awesome Totally Awesome - Scientology

Hanging With The Brainwashers: ATA Goes Undercover With The Church of Scientology

It was a rainy day in Sydney, Australia when I was walking down a sidewalk with my Finnish friend Isabella, when I saw a nice enough looking woman handing out some kind of paper to passersby.