Drake crying

Mother Clips Tags From Son’s Off White Jordans and Subsequently Ruins His Life

It has been a difficult week for the Jaspar Gnubelenz and his family.

“It started off well enough,” he lamented.  “I mean it actually started off great.  On Monday, my birthday, I woke up to a deadstock pair of Off White Jordans from my mom and dad.  I thought it was a dream, you know.”

He went on, “Apparently my mom slipped the kid at Kicks Por Vida [in Irvine, California] a fifty spot, and he made sure he taped their raffle ticket to the bottom of the raffle can, so when the ticket was drawn, he simply had to find the one of the paid for taped tickets and pull it out.  My mom was later called by the shop which held them for her to pick up the day they were released.”

“I guess there was some controversy over the legitimacy of the raffle, when the Instagram picture showed tape on a few of the winning raffle tickets and my mom was told that she may have to return the shoes, so they could have a redrawing due to all of the Instagram controversy. She didn’t know what to do, so she clipped the zip tag, threw out the box, and went to talk to the kid.

“When I showed up at school, everyone was claiming me and my Off Whites.  It was like I won the Super Bowl.  Even the girls that go the Starbucks before school were talking to me.  Telling my Off Whites were lit and shit.  However, later that day, this kid Lorenzo pointed out that my Off Whites were fake because they didn’t have the zip tag. After that, the whole school turned on me.  I can’t believe this shit.  My mom ruined my life.  What the fuck was she thinking.”

According to Lorenzo, “Jaspar is a fraud.  He showedup at school with these fake as Off White Jordan’s with no zip tie and then tried to blame it on his mom using some elaborate story like his family are the Corleone’s or something.  What a kook.  Now he just looks like a Fraudy Fraud Frauderson.”

“A what?”

When ATA spoke with Jaspar’s mom, Helga, she told ATA, “I don’t know what Jaspar is crying about.  We won the Jordan’s fair and square.”

“According to Jaspar, you slipped the kid at KicksPor Vida a Fifty spot to win the raffle.”

“What are you talking about?  We won that raffle legitimately, anyone that tells you different is a deadma…I mean a liar. Don’t listen to Jaspar, that kid is all hormonal and delirious—and he has a big fucking mouth for a Gnubalenz.”

ATA attempted to interview the kid, Fredo, who picked out the winning raffle tickets at Kicks Por Vida, but according to the manager, “That deadbeat had disappeared about a week ago, and didn’t even have that courtesy to call in or get any of his shifts covered.”

One of the other employees told ATA, “The last time I saw Fredo, I was walking out to the parking lot after closing and some tall, milfy, European lady had his head in both of her hands then kissed him on the forehead, saying ‘I knew it was you Fredo.’  I was like, all right Fredo,” and gave him two thumbs up.  He must have been embarrassed to be with the milf, even though, she was a milf, because he looked white as a ghost.”

ATA knows nothing, saw nothing, and uncovered nothing in their reporting of this article.  Moreover, Helga was out of town on business from a week before the raffle until at least a week after Fredo’s irresponsible punk ass disappeared to most likely hitchhike across the country, which is a very dangerous and irresponsible activity where a plethora of terrible things could happen.

Awesome Totally Awesome - Freaks & Weirdos Boutique
ATA - DTK

Awesome Dropping

Awesome Totally Awesome Cliff Burton 5 Best Songs

The 5 Best Metallica Songs Co-Written by Cliff Burton

Revered and influential Metallica bassist Cliff Burton died 30 years ago today during the Master of Puppets Tour in Sweden. Burton helped write many of the great tracks from Metallica's first three albums. Here are 5 of the best songs Burton co-wrote.
Awesome Totally Awesome - Todd does Lyft

Todd Gets a Job With Lyft

Todd sits in his car, anxiously tapping his fingers on his steering wheel in a rhythmic pattern as he waits for his passenger. He looks at his lit LYFT mustache on his dashboard, humming silently. “Okay, okay,” Todd thinks to himself, “let’s not screw this up.”
Awesome Totally Awesome - Class of Seventy-Four

The 10: Red Black and Green

I was in the process of writing a follow up to my article on Saturday Cartoons of the 80's when I had to make a detour. I've made it known that music is life for me. I was in the mood for some head-nod Hip-Hop. My go-to for that is a 90's group that was pretty much the soundtrack to my teenage years. To this day, I still feel their first three albums are perfect.

Awesome Features

Awesome Totally Awesome - How Much Do Rappers Make?

Calling Out The Flex: How Much Do Rappers Really Make

Chance the Rapper called out that if we could see the bank accounts of a lot of rappers these days, the numbers would be way lower than we’d expect.

Cliff Burton's Influence on Ride The Lightning

There's no question Metallica's sophomore album, Ride the Lightning saw the band finding their thrash metal stride with better songs and production than on their stunning debut Kill 'Em All.
Awesome Totally Awesome Zen Hipster Douche

How To Be Zen Without Being a Douchebag

We live in a loud, obnoxious, ugly, and yes sometimes orange “Trumped-up” world. We all want a little more peace… a little calmer.

Awesome Trending

Awesome Totally Awesome - Louder Than Love

An In-Depth Look at Soundgarden's Louder Than Love

While Nirvana became the poster band for the so-called grunge revolution, Soundgarden is the group that really first broke significant ground in Seattle. And it was their sophomore album, Louder Than Love, that paved the way for the rest of the bands in Seattle in the late 1980s.
Awesome Totally Awesome Bono

“There Is A God,” Claim Millions of Atheists After Hearing the News That Bono Lost His Voice

Upon the news that Bono completely lost his voice, partway through U2’s performance in Berlin Saturday, atheists around the world began to seriously question their worldview.

The New Apple x Suicidal Tendencies Circle Pit Watch Will Revolutionize Your Circle Pit Safety and Experience

According to Muir, “All I wanted was a basic, durable, no bullshit watch, like my old Casio, but with an Institutionalized ring tone and THEY WOULDN’T GIVE IT TO ME.”