Mother Walks in on Son Licking Jordans
Tampa Bay, Florida
Mother of nineteen-year-old Instagram influencer, 99Problem5Butmykiksaint1 (Maynard Marnywood) walked in on her son licking his Jordans.
“My baby Maynard…Oh gawd, I can’t unsee what I just saw,” she told ATA. “I had just started a load of laundry and was going into Maynard’s room to grab his underwear and towels and I opened the door without knocking or thinking. There he was lying on his back, giving ice cream licks to his Jordans like he was about to go blind.”
“Have you ever suspected that your son was a chronic kick-licker?” Asked ATA.
“Now that I know, I guess the evidence was there right in front of my eyes the whole time: His dad’s ‘Vintage’ issues of Sole Collector in the bathroom with the pages stuck together; the time I caught him pouring honey on the soles of his Concorde Jordan 11’s and he told me it was a natural way to condition the grips; the empty containers of popcorn seasoning, Biotene, and Kleenex strewn throughout the corner of his room; his obsession with Fat Joe; the restraining order from Flight Club to stay 100 yards away from any and all Olympic Jordan VII’s…It was there the whole time, I just refused to accept it.”
When we spoke to Maynard about the situation, he was a more diplomatic about it. “So, I’ve got a bit of a shoe fetish. I realize it’s a little weird, but it feels completely natural to me. I’m not hurting anyone, am I. Like most sneakerheads, I buy more than one pair of kicks. I just buy in threes instead of twos. One to wear, one to save, and one to…you know…lick. My mom thinks I’m a bit of weirdo now. We haven’t really talked about the shoe licking incident and we barely make eye contact anymore. Moreover, she’s resorted to taking the locks off the downstairs bathroom and rushes into my room to have some bullshit conversation about what we should buy so and so for their birthday or Christmas, every time she hears Fat Joe bumping on my Spotify. So, for the most part, I’ve resorted to hitting up my local Footlocker and trying on kicks with tracksuits and doing my kick licks in the dressing room. I even bring Handiwipes to clean up my slobber from the kicks, so whoever buys them is still pretty much buying deadstock.”
When we asked him about his recent postings on his Instagram page, he was a little more withdrawn. “Ohhhhh…You mean the dirty kicks with slobber on them?” Maynard responded, without provocation.
“I mean, I guess I’m exploring my love for my older, broken in, well-worn kicks that have been with me forever.”
“That makes sense. I guess we’re done here…Wait have you seen my kicks.”
“What? No, I didn’t see where your, slightly salty-but-oh-so-delish, butter-soft, leather-woven, checkered Vans Vaults went…I mean, aren’t they by the front door?”
“Found them. Gross, they’re wet and slobbery. Excuse me, Maynard’s mom, do you have any rubbing alcohol I could borrow?”
“I was just telling Maynard that rubbing alcohol would make a good Christmas stocking stuffer…”