Awesome Totally Awesome - Parents with Fortnite Playing Flossing Teen

Parents Around the World are Refusing to Hangout With Their Fortnite Flossing Adolescents

Everywhere, USA

In a strange turn of events, parents around the globe are devising any excuse to avoid hanging out (or even be seen) with their Fortnite flossing kids.

It’s a fu**ing embarrassment, I tell you,” declared San Diego High School Football Coach, Brock Lesnari.

I invited some friends over for the Chargers / Chiefs’ game a few weeks back and everything was great.  The Chargers made a miraculous comeback to tie it up and I’m yelling at the coach to go for a two-point conversion.  They do and Rivers hits Williams in the end zone to win the game—and it’s bonkers.  Everyone was all, ‘Yeeaaaaaaahhh!!!’  Giving high fives, bro hugs, chest bumps, and ass slaps, when suddenly the boys go silent like Bruce Jenner walked in the room wearing a bikini.  So, I turn around and Brock Jr. is planted in front of the 70-inch, doing his fucking seizure dance, with a big shit eating grin.  The next week, no one showed up for Sunday football.  Because of his constant flossing, I’m an outcast in my own home.”

Jock dads aren’t the only ones perplexed and disturbed by this phenomenon.  Yoga moms like Lulu Limon’ (and mother of twin 13-year-olds) from Montreal, Canada told ATA

“The biggest problem is that it can happen at anywhere, at any time, in any situation.  I feel victimized by my own flesh and blood.  It’s like they don’t care about my feelings and choose to embarrass me in every situation. 

Last week the twins started simultaneously flossing at Starbucks in front of my friends from hot yoga. I’m absolutely triggered by the fact that Lilith and Faire have no recognizable trigger to break into their ghastly flossing ritual.  It’s absolutely random. 

The only thing that calms me down is an Oxy.  So because of their flossing, I’m forced to drive around impaired half of the day.”

Adolescent flossers are equally perplexed by the sudden change in the relationship with their parents.  Millie Neal, informed ATA that her once engaged parents

“Now avoid all contact with me.  They come home from work, grab, their mommy or daddy Yeti tumbler, and go straight to their room–lock the door, binge on Netflix, and listen to ‘90’s hip-hop, metal, and punk.  The only time they come out is to fill their mommy or daddy tumbler.”

Some adolescents even reported their parents wearing all black; however, it was later confirmed that those parents wore all black since they were teens themselves, and just never got real jobs.

ATA’s resident psychologist, Hattori Hanzo, informed ATA that

“Adolescents should not be too concerned in that it’s not that their parents no longer love them, but rather that they are entering into a more introspective phase of their lives, where they realize that their entire lives have been a lie–and that the endless cycle of work and disappointment are just that: an endless cycle.  The flossing reminds them that they no longer understand or have the ability to control the world around them and they are simply rebelling against it.”

“Eventually”, he confirmed, “Your relationship will go back to normal, with your parents lamenting, ‘What happened to my little (girl or boy)’ and you using your parents as a provider of material goods and car insurance.  They may eventually even try to connect with you by flossing themselves, which would help catalyst your adolescent embarrassment and avoidance of them, resulting in the natural order to be restored.”

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