Last week the twins started simultaneously flossing at Starbucks in front of my friends from hot yoga. I’m absolutely triggered by the fact that Lilith and Faire have no recognizable trigger to break into their ghastly flossing ritual. It’s absolutely random.
The only thing that calms me down is an Oxy. So because of their flossing, I’m forced to drive around impaired half of the day.”
Adolescent flossers are equally perplexed by the sudden change in the relationship with their parents. Millie Neal, informed ATA that her once engaged parents
“Now avoid all contact with me. They come home from work, grab, their mommy or daddy Yeti tumbler, and go straight to their room–lock the door, binge on Netflix, and listen to ‘90’s hip-hop, metal, and punk. The only time they come out is to fill their mommy or daddy tumbler.”
Some adolescents even reported their parents wearing all black; however, it was later confirmed that those parents wore all black since they were teens themselves, and just never got real jobs.
ATA’s resident psychologist, Hattori Hanzo, informed ATA that
“Adolescents should not be too concerned in that it’s not that their parents no longer love them, but rather that they are entering into a more introspective phase of their lives, where they realize that their entire lives have been a lie–and that the endless cycle of work and disappointment are just that: an endless cycle. The flossing reminds them that they no longer understand or have the ability to control the world around them and they are simply rebelling against it.”
“Eventually”, he confirmed, “Your relationship will go back to normal, with your parents lamenting, ‘What happened to my little (girl or boy)’ and you using your parents as a provider of material goods and car insurance. They may eventually even try to connect with you by flossing themselves, which would help catalyst your adolescent embarrassment and avoidance of them, resulting in the natural order to be restored.”