Six-Year-Old Disappointed Yet Again by Hipster Uncle’s Gift of Vinyl Records

By: Brian Kruse

Six-year-old Lindsey Morris was disappointed again this year after receiving a Birthday gift of record albums from her hipster uncle, Connor Butler.

Butler, who resides in the Logan Square neighborhood of Chicago, has provided his niece with carefully curated collections of albums for the past four years.

“I want her growing up listening to good music. Not like the plastic shit that’s on the radio or the Wiggles or Barney, or things like that. Her dad is a total bro, so you know he is not going to be able to turn her on to the music she needs to develop as the cool kid she needs to be.”

This year’s collection of albums contained a pressing of Billie Holiday’s 1958 album Lady in Satin as well as selections from the Jefferson Airplane, the Clash, and the most recent releases by songwriter Sufjan Stevens and indie-rock heroes, The National.

Butler went on to explain that he’s particularly excited about the Billie Holiday album.

“It’s the last thing she ever recorded, so her voice is pretty ravaged by all the heroin and alcohol. But yet, it’s so soulful. I think Lindsey will get a real kick out of it.”

Lindsey’s mother, Samantha, finds the gifts very troublesome as it usually leads to mockery from the girl’s father, her husband.

“My brother means well, but he’s kind of clueless when it comes to kids. My mother and I have even offered to just buy gifts for her from him, but he takes this thing seriously. I don’t have the heart to tell him we don’t even have a record player.”

For her part, Lindsey wonders exactly what a record player is, but does find the albums useful as canvasses for her to color on.