Dateline: Springfield, IL.
An unprovoked, spontaneous performance of street theater broke out this afternoon in the rotunda of the state capital building while legislators were leaving session. “This is the sort of thing that neither party should be standing for. There were lots of innocent people around and these actors—if you can call them that—suddenly broke out into an improvised street theater piece,” stated State Representative William Zelger, a Republican from DuPage County.
“This sort of thing cannot be allowed. We cannot have people breaking out into bad street performance anytime they wish. There were children present, for Christ’s sake!” stated Al Stone, Democrat from Cook County.
Cynthia Risner, from downstate Bushnell, had taken her second-grade son and three of his classmates to the capital on their day off from school to teach them about the sacredness of the legislative process, added, “I didn’t even know what to say. My son just kept asking me, ‘What are they doing, mommy?’ Seriously, how do you explain some convoluted plot about Joshua and the city of Jericho to an eight-year old? There was a guy in his seventies running around with a trumpet and a bunch of people yelling random things that made no sense. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s afraid to see Wickednext month with me in St Louis.”
The performance was sponsored by a Chicago-based group called Art for Change. Martin Lyles, a spokesperson for the group, says that they’re a collective of politically-minded artists and they will continue to use their art as a weapon “until the political nonsense that goes down in Springfield is stopped. We aren’t going to quit our spontaneous street theater until our demands are met! Within our collective we have a Christian feminist performance artist, a White reggae band, and a troop of visually-impaired mimes.” When asked what the specific demands of the artist collective were, Lyle responded, “Each individual artist has his or her or their own agenda. We just want the nonsense to stop, whatever that means to whoever it means it to.” Lyle could not continue to comment as he was to commence the debut performance of a ten-hour piece he has written exclusively for the didgeridoo while wearing a clown costume outside the Lincoln Square residence of Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel.
When reached for comment, Lisa Gade, spokesperson for Illinois Governor Bruce Rauner, stated, “The governor takes these threats very seriously, and for this aesthetic crisis has scheduled a ten-day trip to Europe, in which time he hopes the artist collective is neutralized.”