Skin Head Avoidance System: Using the same military-grade technology as the Stealth bomber, this feature blinds you to any and all skinheads, jocks, or individuals with a BAC of .06 or higher.
Stage Dive Warning System: The circle pit GPS technology utilized in this feature senses the most populated and most alert areas of the crowd, to help ensure you are directed to dive into an area where you will be caught and not dropped on your head or kidneys
Auto Booster: The apex of the song is about to hit and the only people around to boost you into a crowd surf are a couple of scared looking thirteen-year-olds who don’t know how to clutch their hands into a crowd surf booster and if they did, you’d break their fingers. The auto-booster technology solves this problem. Created in conjunction with Nike’s new hover technology, the watch commands the superconductor magnets in a specialized shoe (which looks like a black and white Converse Chuck) to activate and elevate you up to crowd head level until you are grabbed and initiated into a crowd surf.
The Shoe and Hat Locator and Shoe Lace Tightness Monitor: Self-explanatory, but essential features.
Bouncer Taser: At most local shows, the bouncers are there to protect the band and to direct you back into the crowd after you crowd surf. However, at some venues, they are there to be dicks and to kick out anyone crowd surfing or stage diving. This is where the bouncer taser comes in handy. Let’s say you are crowd surfing and are gliding toward the stage where the bouncers are waiting to pull you out of the crowd, rough you up, and kick you out. With this feature, as soon as the bouncer grabs you, he is immediately zapped, loosening his grip long enough for you to roll out back into the crowd and drop down into the pit and yell “Fuck you,” at the bouncer, like he was the man, and not some frustrated, underpaid, soul with a family, working three jobs to feed them.
When we asked Muir to describe his experience working with Apple, he got into our reporter’s face and reiterated, “This is bullshit. All I wanted was a Casio with an Institutionalized ring tone…and they wouldn’t give it to me. They keep on telling me ‘It’s in my best interest.’ How can they say what my best interest is!”
“You’re kind of acting crazy Mike.”
“What are you trying to say, I’m crazy—when I went to your churches; I went to your institutional learning facilities. So how can you say I’m crazy…”
“Somebody please give this man a Pepsi (laced with valium), please.”