Awesome Totally Awesome - Todd does Lyft

Todd Gets a Job With Lyft

By John Yabes

Todd sits in his car, anxiously tapping his fingers on his steering wheel in a rhythmic pattern as he waits for his passenger. He looks at his lit LYFT mustache on his dashboard, humming silently. “Okay, okay,” Todd thinks to himself, “let’s not screw this up.”

Todd, unemployed, uses Lyft to get by. In fact, it’s the only thing keeping himself afloat. This is very important to him. “I’ll be just fine, this is a just a side thing, until I get a more stable thing going.” A thought so prominent in his head, he doesn’t notice his Lyft mustache crackling and catching fire.

“Oh, what a glow… oh, shit!” Todd screams as he grabs a complimentary water bottle from the backseat and chucks water at the fiery mustache. He watches as the melted plastic and water seep into his air conditioning ducts and radio, shorting it out. Todd manages, even through the smell of rancid plastic, and deafening sounds coming from his sound system, to turn off his car.

Todd slides his seat back and raises his hands, surrendering to whatever supernatural forces that have taken over his car. But before he could gather himself, his backdoor opens and a girl sits down.

Donning sunglasses, fur coat, chewing gum and on her phone she doesn’t seem to notice what’s happening inside the car. “It smells like shit in here,” she says, not breaking away from her phone, “definitely losing a star for that.”

Todd, perplexed, mostly because of her inattention, but the fact it was also night and she is wearing sunglasses, slowly slides his car back up. “I’m sorry,” he slowly says, before he remembers that he has some cleaning supplies in his trunk.

“Excuse me! I think I know what to do!” He exclaims as he leaves the car.

“Hurry up, I’m expecting some of my followers at this event!” She whines, as she goes directly back to her phone.

Todd hurries to his trunk and opens it. He ruffles through his supplies, trying to find Febreeze or an air freshener when all of a sudden he hears a faint hissing. Trying to track it by scanning with his hear, he doesn’t see the motion coming from his pile of cleaning supplies.

A possum springs from the mess, scaring Todd, causing him to jump up and bash the back of his head on the trunk, sending him reeling away from the car in pain. “Goddamn it! Stupid possum! Ouch!”

He has his arms wrapped around the back of his head as he grimaces. Out of frustration, he stomps his feet on the ground and raises his fists in the air.

“C’mon! Cut me a break! Haven’t you done enough!” He screams in the sky, as if someone is listening to him. “Calm down,” he thinks to himself, “it’s just an animal. You’re overreacting to an event totally unconnected to your current situation…”

Todd watches as his car slowly rolls away. Todd stands motionless, stunned by his unluckiness, begins to sprint towards the car.

“Not today!” He screams. “Not today! I will not be undone!” As he reaches his stride, Todd reminisces about his high school track days, how great he was. That’s when he first caught the attention of his high school sweetheart, Shelby.

“Oh, Shelby,” he remembers. He remembers their long talks on the phone, their fervent fascination with Pokemon cards, the time he caught her cheating with his best friend, Alex. Oh yeah! She cheated on him! With that bastard, Alex! “Best friend, my ass!” He shouts.

This passionate distraction stops Todd from seeing that his car has slowly stopped at the bottom of the hill, but becomes ever pleasantly clear as Todd sends himself through the rear window unable to stop because of his momentum.

Blackness.

“Wake up,” Todd says to himself. “Wake up, I need to get this girl to her destination.” His vision blurry, Todd can make out the girl, she seems to be saying something. He tries to pick himself up from the floor of his car but it is too weak.

Her voice, it seems to Todd, is soft like an angel’s. She’s definitely trying to tell him something, maybe something comforting. It has to be, he thinks, as he tries to get closer to her. He sees that she’s reaching out to him, trying to help him. He smiles, an angel trying to help me, he thinks.

She sprays something on him, “what mystical healing spray is this?” He smiles, as it begins to burn. Oh god, it’s pepper spray! He comes to immediately, seeing that she’s been screaming this entire time.

He screams as well, trying to say something. “Please, calm down, I’m sorry!” Is what he wanted to say, but what did come out was just a fountain of blood from his mouth.

Terrified, the girl gives him a swift kick and runs out of his car. Todd, manages to sit himself upright. Crying, bloodied, and bruised Todd gathers himself. A rumble from his pocket diverts his attention to his pocket.

He pulls out his cell phone. A notification from Lyft, “Ride cancelled.” He smirks as he begins to laugh to himself. He exits out of the app and brings up Postmates.

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