Santa Clarita Diet: Abby’s Guide to Surviving Her Flesh Eating Mom

By Jessica Bedewi

Season 2 of Santa Clarita Diet has finally arrived.

When we last left the not-so-heroic heroes of our story, they had basically messed up everything. To be fair, poor Sheila did randomly turn into a zombie with no explanation as to why (can we get to that part of the story, please?), which is enough to make any family a little crazy.

Joel has been committed to a psychiatric facility for a indefinite amount of time because he seriously thinks his wife eats people. Stay away from drugs, kids—this is what they do. His wife, after attempting to eat yet another person, has chained herself in the basement to save the world from her increasingly feral tendencies. She and Joel already have three bodies and counting between the two of them but now she decides to develop a conscience? Okkaaayyyy.

The supposed answer to everyone’s prayers and sole inventor of a potential cure, Dr. Cora Wolf, has abandoned Abby with all her equipment and a super old book and basically said “I’ve worked my entire life on this cure, but go ahead and see if you can toss something together before your mom goes crazy!” Eric is somewhere around, probably plotting how he can kill Abby without anyone noticing or reading some comic books about zombie deterioration. Basically just being super unhelpful as usual.

Yes, things are looking pretty gloomy for the Hammonds, but one character that people seem to keep forgetting is poor little Abby. A lonesome and sardonic teenager, I would probably forget about Abby too in normal circumstances, but considering her situation I feel for the kid.

Season 1 was all about Sheila and Joel’s marriage and how they were dealing with the undead transition. Sure, Abby was a factor in Sheila’s decisions, but she wasn’t really included in the whole transformation process. Not only does she learn that her parents are now killers because she finds not one, but TWO dead bodies, she also has to pretend that she’s totally okay with everything because this is her “new normal.” In the last episode, Abby even has a crisis moment about whether SHE’S too selfish! She feels bad because she’s been admittedly a little bit of a psycho, but her mom is a MURDERER. Have we really mixed up our morals so badly that newly developing teenageers have to be less selfish to save their serial killer parents?!

I could rant for days about the messed up intricacies of this show, but instead I’ve decided to do something useful because I don’t want to grow up to be an Eric. So, welcome to Abby’s guide to surviving her flesh-eating mom.

Step 1: GET OUT.

That’s it, there are no other steps. Your mom is dead. Throw on some 18th century mourning clothes, pack up your parents’ brand new Range Rover and get the hell out of dodge. Everyone has to leave home at some point, kid, your time just came a little sooner than everyone else’s.

Now, because Abby is a teenager and because she has already proven she doesn’t really think things through. I do have a few substeps.

  1. Burn Dr. Cora-Wolfe’s equipment in the same place that Gary was buried. If someone does find Gary’s body, they will assume that all those things are connected. It might lead them back to Sheila, but if they found Gary’s body it would probably lead them back to Sheila anyway, so you’re just creating less evidence sites which might be a good thing.
  2. Speaking of people finding out about Sheila, stop caring. You seem to have a bit of an issue with emotional attachment anyway so if you can just shut down those feelings of love and such you’ll be much better off in your new life.
  3. Only take what you need. If you take all your stuff, they’ll know you ran away, and they’ll spend the rest of your life looking for you.  If you only take a few items, however, they’ll probably assume that Sheila ate you when they do find out about Sheila (which is definitely going to happen, she’s killed like everyone). They might look for a little while, but eventually they’ll just assume you’re dead and stop, in which case you’re home free.
  4. Drive the Range Rover to New York, only pay in cash along the way, buy a plane ticket from New York to somewhere not in America, board and LEAVE. No one on that side of the country will be looking for you (probably, yet), and you can make a clean escape.
  5. Live happily ever after.

So there you have it, Abby. Your guide to escaping this monstrous mess. You’re too good for it anyway.

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