Awesome Totally Awesome - Pee Smelling Murderer

How I Became a Pee Smelling Murderer With a Job Offer From an Aspiring Pimp

I had just graduated from college and was waiting for a life-changing job offer. In fact, any job offer would have been nice. The thought of getting into debt for no reason seemed tragic if not typical for my generation. I felt like a bit of a lost soul. I loved everything about college, my friends, my roommates, my classes, etcetera, etcetera. What was I going to do with the rest of my life without college?

When my friend Mikayla invited me on a road trip from Los Angeles to Portland I took the chance immediately. For one, this would be a great way to celebrate graduating. Two, I wouldn’t be forced to make my next move after college immediately.

The trip there was great and without problems! But the real trip was the one we would make coming back to Los Angeles. This trip would make me a murderer, who was afraid, cold, wet, and smelling of urine.

SATURDAY

When Mikayla and I left Portland to go back to LA, we decided we wanted to drive on the Pacific Coast Highway (“PCH”). For those of you that don’t know, PCH is one of the most breathtakingly beautiful, Instagram worthy road trips you can take. The entire time you’re on cliffs overlooking the ocean, lighthouses, and giant beautiful green trees.

We decided that we would take four-hour driving shifts. She would start and then I would take over, and so on and so forth. When I was driving I loved it. It was the road trip I felt like I was born to take. This was the America I had always wanted to see but didn’t believe really existed…especially on the West Coast.

SATURDAY NIGHT/SUNDAY EARLY MORNING

 Many hours had past and it was midnight. Mikayla was ending her shift as she pulled into the Denny’s parking lot. I told her that I was really tired and that we should just sleep in the car, wake up early the next morning and drive then. She argued that we had to go as far as we possibly could because she had to make it to work on Monday morning. You see when you drive on the PCH, a lot of the time you’re only driving 15 to 25 miles per hour because the roads are so windy that you could easily drive off a cliff.  So even though we were driving the whole day we weren’t anywhere even close to where we needed to be. Tomorrow would be our last day to realistically make it back in time for Mikayla to go to work.

She said I could just get some coffee to-go, drive for a couple of hours and then she could take over. I wavered because I thought that I probably could drive for a couple of hours without any problems.

I was holding the to-go cup when I saw a piece of cardboard on the road. I got closer and I realized it was a dead animal. I then got much closer, too close to swerve away, when the dead animal, that wasn’t actually dead, looked up at me…right before Mikayla’s car took its head off.

The second before I killed the little sucker, could’ve lasted a lifetime. I got so much information before it met its untimely death. The animal was a raccoon. It was eating roadkill before it became what it ate.

Mikayla is a vegan, so for the next half an hour, I had to hear about how I could’ve swerved, or how this was the calmest murder she had ever witnessed. For this, I asked, “How many murders have you witnessed?”

Eventually, Mikayla went to sleep in the passenger’s seat. When I looked over at the ocean all I saw was darkness.

It started raining on the PCH and then the fog rolled in. I was very afraid of driving, so I went even slower than we had been going before.

Finally, the storm had passed but I had a full bladder from the coffee. There were no cars ahead of me and there were no cars behind me. The only light I could see was the one coming from Mikayla’s car.

I kept waiting to see a gas station or any place that would have a restroom but all I could see was the giant trees from the forest we were driving through. Superstar by Sonic Youth started playing from the Bluetooth. This made me get a shiver down my spine so I switched the song.

I had to pee so bad that I felt like my bladder would burst. I kept telling myself to just wait and something would come along when I saw a light coming from the trees. I followed the light into the woods slowly in the car.

The light as coming from a porch on a house in the woods; or was it a cabin in the woods? Who could say?

By this time it was 2:30 am. I couldn’t exactly just knock on the door and ask to use these people’s restroom, could I?

I stepped out of the car and assumed there would be silence. Instead, all I heard was every living thing that was in the woods moving around. I felt like I was being starred at, from both from behind those black windows to the house and from the tall dark woods I could not see into.

I walked up the people’s stone steps to their house, pulled down my pants, squatted and peed as I had never peed before.

There was so much pee that it started to roll down the steps and onto my shoes. I couldn’t exactly move because if I did I would have fallen down the steps. So, I just stayed in that spot until I was finished. I still felt immense fear at this point so I pulled up my pants and ran back to the car like someone was chasing me.

I pleaded with Mikayla to take over driving or for us to sleep in the car, but she said I should just drive for 30 more minutes and then she’ll take over. I took down the road again and felt like I was dying.

It was like I was sleeping and awake at the same time. “Pull over I’m driving,” Mikayla screamed. “You’re breathing is scaring me.”

Apparently, I was breathing so deeply through my nose and it reminded her of a demon. We switched and made it to another Denny’s parking lot at 4:40 am.

SUNDAY 7:30 AM

I woke up freezing, smelling of urine. Google maps said that we were on Glass Beach in Fort Bragg, California. Which meant that we were only in fucking NorCal!

I told Mikayla that the PCH is great in the daytime, scary as fuck at night time, and long as fuck period. “If we want to not sleep in your car tonight we have to get off the PCH, get on the I-5 and go home,” I said. “That’s our fastest way and it’ll still take us all day to drive on.”

She argued that she wanted to stay on the PCH until we reached San Francisco and then we could switch over to the I-5 and I could drive the rest of the way home. It felt like a compromise so I agreed. After all, what’s the worst that could happen?

SUNDAY 2:30 PM

She drove and I slept. Fog gently touched the windshield as I woke up as we were crossing the Golden Gate Bridge. Happiness flooded over me because Frisco is my all time favorite city. This feeling immediately came to a halt when Mikayla’s car stalled on Lombardo street. “What the fuck do I do?” Mikayla screamed. Her car kept starting and stalling.

As people honked and screamed obscenities from their car, I rushed out of the car in my flip-flops to push her car with the help of a nice man off the street. I write “nice man” but he was also an idiot.

This “nice man” convinced Mikayla that her car could make it to LA and that she didn’t need to take it to a mechanic. Her Mom on the phone said this, my Dad on the phone said that. Everyone had an opinion but nothing was getting done.

We started bickering about what to do when I saw a crazy man yelling obscenities at the passersby. As I was fighting with Mikala I made the biggest mistake I would ever make, I accidentally made eye contact with the crazy man!

He ran over to me and started saying that I need to make money! “You don’t wanna rely on your mommies and your daddies,” said crazy man. “You gotta work girl! Be your own boss. Work for me!”

I was like, “Nah man, I’m good.”

He then started screaming, “You’re a loser, you’re worthless, you’re a dumb bitch.”

I thought about running away but then I was like at least I can finally tell my parents I got a job offer.

SUNDAY 5:30 PM

After three hours, I was getting desperate. I felt like I was going to be here for the rest of my life. “I think I’m going to get a plane to LAX from here,” said me.

“I can’t believe you’d fucking leave me here,” said Mikayla.

Between the murder, the urine and the job offer, I realized that everything had led up to Frisco. My life had led up to this very moment when I was finally an adult.

I decided to stay with Mikayla. We got picked up from a tow truck and I finally got back home at 5:30 am on Monday morning. Mikayla never made it to her job.

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