Awesome Totally Awesome

TODD SENDS A DICK PIC

By: John Yabes

Todd sits in the bathroom stall at work. He frantically combs his fingers through his hair and begins to pull at it. The beads of sweat pouring down from his forehead are only offset by his eyelids that are blinking a million times a second. He swears he can hear his eyelids smacking off the dry surface of his actual eyes. He’s looking down at his phone, notifying him of a message sent to a Mr. Eberstein.

He flips the screen off and puts the phone away and begins to breathe heavily. He cracks his neck and begins to sway back and forth. “It’s okay, Todd,” he says out loud. “It’s ok, it’s just a picture. Totally explainable. Totally. He’ll understand.”

“Hey, if you’re done, get out of there!” an angry voice booms from outside the stall. Oh god, Todd thinks, he begins to pull on the toilet paper roll.

“In a minute! I’m just finishing myself! I mean, not finishing myself. Just finishing… pooping.” Christ, Todd.

Todd stands up and realizes that he’s pushed the entire roll into the bowl. Todd swings the door open and greets his angry co-worker.

“Do that shit at home, Todd!” He pushes his way past Todd. “Hey, fucker, what the hell!” He turns around and sees that Todd is already gone.

Todd is quickly making his way down the hall, going over a scenario in his head over and over again. He sees Nancy, his crush, heading his way, her focus on a docket of papers she’s ruffling through.

“NANCY!” He screams. Scared, she throws all the papers up in the air, as they both watch the papers fall slowly to the ground, like the beginnings snows of winter. What a beautiful sight, Todd says to himself, as he sees the object of his affection amidst the newly fallen-

“Todd,” she grits, hands spread out in confusion. “Why’d you scare me like that?”

“Oh,” he says, “you look very pretty today.” She’s blushes, but he quickly grabs her by the arms.

“But I need to talk to you about something,” he urges.

“You don’t have to send me one if you don’t want to, Todd. I mean, it’s only expected, you know, like an unwritten-”

“No, it’s not that,” he cuts her off. “I did send one.”

“Oh, then I guess I’ll be expecting something in my messages,” she’s purses her bottom lip, which quickly sends electricity up and down Todd’s spine. He tries to speak but feels his teeth clenched so tight he can’t physically do it.

“You see, that’s the problem, I did send it, but not to you-”

“What?!” she exclaims. “Is there another girl? Todd, I am not a woman that will-”

“Todd!” A booming voice from the down the hall catches both of them off guard.

“Mr. Eberstein,” Todd answers. His boss, in a nicely fitted suit, stands with his arms akimbo, fists on his waist. He’s backlit, making him look like a menacing figure emerging from the light inside his office.

“Get your ass in here, now!” He exalts.

“Yes, sir,” Todd obediently complies. Nancy, walking away, under her breath mutters, “Mr. Eberstein… what the hell…”

The door slams and locks like a prison cell as Todd sits himself in front of Mr. Eberstein’s nice mahogany desk. Mr. Eberstein makes his way behind the desk and raises one of the balls of his Newton’s Cradle and releases it. The rhythmic clanging sound like giant booming cannons to Todd.

“Todd, how long have you been working here?” Mr. Eberstein inquires.

“… months?” He replies.

“Less, try three weeks,” Mr. Eberstein corrects. Todd begins to dig his nails into the leather armrests as he tries to swallow the saliva culminating inside his mouth. “We have strict rules about fraternizing in this company, Todd.”

“Oh, I mean of course, Mr. Eberstein, I totally understand-” Todd begins to explain.

“Don’t interrupt me,” Mr. Eberstein interjected. He walks behind his desk leaving Todd to ponder why he was told be silent only to be left in awkward silence. I need to explain this to Nancy, he thinks to himself. She needs to know this was all a big misunderstanding…

“Betty, hold my calls,” Mr. Eberstein says pushing down on his intercom.

“Yes, sir,” She responds.

Mr. Eberstein unplugs the phone and walks to his window and shuts the Venetian blinds. Todd, sensing something awry, begins to stand up.

“Sit down, Todd,” Mr. Eberstein commands and Todd quickly complies. Mr. Eberstein makes his way to his door and Todd hears the latch on the door lock shut. Todd begins to breathe heavier as he feels the cold, clammy grips of Mr. Eberstein’s hands on his shoulders that slowly make their way down his arms.

He can feel the warmth of his boss’s breathe close to his ear, “But as the CEO of this company, I can always make a few exceptions. I have to say, that picture caught me off guard, but I like that, a man with confidence.”

Think quick, Todd thinks. He jumps out of his grip and turns around. Mr. Eberstein pushes the chair out of the way.

“You like it rough, huh!” He screams. Todd, like a man possessed, gathers all his strength and Spartan kicks Mr. Eberstein into the door, cracking it a little. Mr. Eberstein, gathering himself, shoots Todd a menacing smile as he uprights himself.

Todd quickly lunges at Mr. Eberstein, spearing him through the door out into the hallway. Getting up and dusting himself off, Todd stands above the unconscious Mr. Eberstein. He meets the stares from his shocked colleagues as he looks around. He spots Nancy, her mouth agape.

“I meant to show my dick to you, not him,” he says as he steps away from Mr. Eberstein, gets in an elevator, and watches the doors close on him.

Awesome Totally Awesome - Freaks & Weirdos Boutique
ATA - DTK

Awesome Dropping

Awesome Totally Awesome Megan Thee Stallion

Make Way for Megan Thee Stallion

Megan Thee Stallion's unapologetic lyrics and ownership of her physical space and sexuality as a woman couldn’t be more important given the current political landscape.

How To Tell If Your Child Will Grow Up To Be A Serial Killer

Let's face it, no parent ever wants to admit it: their child grew up to be a serial killer. But, hey, it happens. A very small percentage of the population become serial killers, those are the facts. So, fess up, parents. Is your child exhibiting signs? Here's an unscientific guide by which to tell.

SPOTLIGHT ON: WATCH FOR HORSES

Wiretap Records performing and recording artist, Watch For Horses, played their final show of 2017 at The Satellite in Los Angeles, CA.

Awesome Features

Fucking Eh

I had just arrived in Paris after spending the past five weeks in Angola managing some offshore drilling rigs.  Shitty job.  After laying down the rules, I got some pushback from the locals.  Not a surprise.  Typical work politics down there.

ATA's Review of Adidas' 747 Warehouse St. Experience

Adidas 747 was an epic event.  Spanning several blocks surrounding and within the old American Apparel manufacturing building in downtown LA, Adidas went all out to represent during this year’s NBA all-star game.
Awesome Totally Awesome - Biker Shorts

Biker Shorts: The Athleisure Trend That Needs to Stop

It’s not news that biker shorts have been a thing this year. While it was nothing short of an atrocity from the get-go, there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight.

Awesome Trending

Malcolm Gladwell Sued by Shaq, Wallace, Jordan and Drummond

SHAQUILLE O’NEAL, BEN WALLACE, DEANDRE JORDAN, AND ANDRE DRUMMOND filed a joint lawsuit in Federal District Court against author Malcolm Gladwell
Awesome Totally Awesome - Hip hop woke hoax

Supreme to Offer Budget Line of Products

/
For those of you who cannot afford Supreme gear at retail, let alone aftermarket pricing, Supreme will soon be offering a budget line called Supreme Market, featuring items conveniently priced below $40.00.