Awesome Totally Awesome - brewU

Brew U: Getting Your Degree in Drinking

As I was sitting in my oversized recliner, enjoying a nice chocolate, coffee stout, I started to think about how, as drinkers, we evolve through the years. It is almost like going to school, except instead of nurturing your brain, you’re slowly killing it and let’s face it, that’s a lot more fun. I know that none of us start out as “distinguished drinkers” and only some of us obtain such an elegant social status, but we all definitely grow as drinkers. I’m not saying that there aren’t people out there who stay sober all of the time, I just don’t happen to associate myself with them.

I have no space in my life for people who think they’re better than me just because they’ve never woken up in a strange place wearing someone else’s pants, but I digress. Progression in such a field can only be obtained by experience and hangovers… lots and lots of hangovers. There’s nothing as comforting as the caress of cool porcelain on your warm head as you regret everything you did within the previous twenty-four hours and that is where we start our journey.

When we start drinking, it is rarely something sophisticated. I don’t see many spring break videos of college students discussing philosophy while sipping on twelve-year-old scotch and wearing smoking jackets. Instead, we usually spend our formative drinking years downing as much alcohol as possible for as little money as possible and creating games to make drinking more fun, like that’s even possible. That’s what we call novice drinking; a necessary step to building up your tolerance for both alcohol and the ugly hangovers that come with cheap booze. For them, there is no room for pride in a red solo cup full of liquor that comes in gallon jugs.

Let’s move on to intermediate where we start to weed out the quitters or what society calls “productive members”. At this point, you are starting to figure out that if you go for slightly higher quality and slightly lower quantity, you won’t have as many near-death experiences the next morning. You still go out and imbibe to epic proportions, but you spend a little more time tasting and a little less time throwing bacteria-laden ping pong balls into your drinks.

Once you’ve passed through this era of your life, you can now graduate to becoming the kind of drinker that men respect and women long for… Quality drinking is the finest thing you can do for your body. When you are spending more time picking out a six-pack of craft beer or a bottle of expensive brandy than you do vomiting up your hopes and dreams, they have become a “distinguished drinker”. When you spend more money on your booze than on your grandmother’s birthday present, then you truly have reached the pinnacle of drinking culture.

Not everyone moves up the drinking ladder. We all know the folks who stick with their favorite stuff and won’t even entertain the idea of branching out or even testing the waters(which, by the way, is exactly what their drinks taste like). Everyone has their own tastes and that’s what makes the alcohol industry such a financial superpower. Well, that and family gatherings. You might not get a diploma when you graduate from Brew U, but at least your bathroom won’t smell like the dumpster behind a Chinese restaurant.

Awesome Totally Awesome - Freaks & Weirdos Boutique
ATA - DTK

Awesome Dropping

Awesome Totally Awesome - Blatz S**T SPLIT

ATA's Music and Humor Writer, Emily Starinieri's Desert Island Album: Blatz and Filth, The **** Split

California spawned countless punk rock bands throughout the years since punk's conception, but few are as under appreciated as Blatz and Filth
Awesome Totally Awesome - Drunk Texan

Despite Video Evidence, Texas Man Refuses to Admit He Has Ever Been Drunk

Despite video evidence to the contrary, Jethro Chevydiesel (Chevydiesel) refused to admit he was drunk the night before—or ever. “I ain’t never been drunk in my Goddamn life.”
Awesome Totally Awesome How Maria Beat

How Maria Beat The Real Housewives of the PTA at Their Own Game

I really didn’t care about winning, but seeing this lady’s cheerleader determination, made me say “I’m winning this mofo.”

Awesome Features

Fear And Loathing In The Penthouse Poker Game

I finally got the call.  A friend of mine, who runs several legitimate businesses, but tends to spend his off time in the shadows had told me about a private, big baller home game held weekly in the penthouse suite of a Los Angeles area, deluxe, high-rise apartment. 

UnSpotified: We Revisit De La Soul's Unstreamed Masterpiece, Buhloone Mindstate

This group doesn’t talk about how financially solvent they are. They talk about being late on their rent. They talk about letting their parents down and missing them. They talk about letting their friends down. They talk about not judging others who have made different choices. And when Dave says, “I’m the greatest MC in the world,” it’s ironic, it’s self-deprecating.
Awesome Totally Awesome Wickenheiser

Maple Leafs Move With the Times in Hiring Wickenheiser The GOAT of Women's Hockey

The Toronto Maple Leafs announced that they hired Canadian Olympian and gold medalist Hayley Wickenheiser as Assistant Director of Player Development on Thursday August 23, 2018.

Awesome Trending

Awesome Totally Awesome - Kanye West I Love It

Kanye West & Lil Pump Roblox "I Love It," Video: How did we get here?

/
Kanye West. The man of many faces. Some say he’s a god.  Some being Kanye. Others, like J.Cole, think differently.
Awesome Totally Awesome Zen Hipster Douche

How To Be Zen Without Being a Douchebag

We live in a loud, obnoxious, ugly, and yes sometimes orange “Trumped-up” world. We all want a little more peace… a little calmer.

Five Most Underrated Van Halen Songs with David Lee Roth

With David Lee Roth on vocals, the original Van Halen produced six phenomenal albums from 1978-1984.