Awesome Totally Awesome - Cauliflower

The Evils of Cauliflower

I was scrolling through Facebook the other day when something caught my attention; a video recipe of what looked like the most incredible mac and cheese, ever. To my horror, upon further inspection, this was a recipe for cauliflower mac and cheese! That’s right, cauliflower in place of pasta! What madness is this?!

The health craze has finally reached an all time high on the ludicrous scale. Replacing pasta with a vegetable(and not a very tasty one at that) is carbohydrate sacrilege! Delving further into this insanity, I discovered that some people are even replacing an American staple and icon of diners everywhere, mashed potatoes. Why? Are the carbs too yummy? Do they provide too much energy? Were they making us too happy? It’s like we are more concerned with living an extra two years than with enjoying the food that makes life worth living.

They, and by “They” I mean what I can only assume is some sort of communist cauliflower organization or CCO, have even taken to trying to use this stinking weed for pizza crust. This type of behavior will be the downfall of America and it doesn’t stop with cauliflower.

While cauliflower is at the forefront of the health epidemic, it is just one of the symptoms. Others include veggie burgers, salads on fast food menus, tofu anything and of course the gluten free movement. First of all, what is gluten, anyway? Ten years ago, only scientists and the FDA knew anything about this magical substance. Now, every skinny guy with a man bun or soccer mom can take a bite of a donut and identify whether or not it contains gluten.

I miss the old days when you ate something that made you sick and you had two choices: never consume it again or keep consuming it, until you build up a tolerance(the same philosophy applies to tequila). Nowadays, an article appears on the internet, followed by the author’s appearance on some daytime tv show and everyone is now allergic to something that no one ever heard of until a few years ago.

Vegans also seem to be taking over the country. My favorite places to eat are now forced to provide a vegan alternative on the menu. I know that when I go into pub and grub to swill beer and fill my arteries with delicious cholesterol, it’s common to see a guy with a poor attempt at facial hair, asking the waitress if the French fries are cooked in animal fat or if any seeds were hurt in the harvesting of grain used in the bread. They’re so worried about eliminating any suffering, but don’t seem to mind torturing the poor woman serving their food with idiotic questions.

Veganism, if that’s a word, is truly going to be the end of life as we know it. Imagine the majority of the population turns vegan. Any country can come in and take over, because we created a race of humans who can be taken down with a cup of chicken broth and a bag of dairy products.

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