Fallout 4 Addict Arrested After Breaking Into A Local Man’s Basement Survival Shelter

Victorville, CA

Fallout 4 addict, Mr. I.P. Knightly was arrested this morning for several counts of burglary after breaking into a local man’s (survivalist Red Knect) basement survival shelter. Knightly was caught and subdued by Knect, a fifth-degree black belt in Jeet Kun do, when his plastic garbage bag filled with several rolls of duct tape, a bathroom scale, several aluminum plates, and multiple zip-lock bags filled with screws and bottle caps broke and scattered all over Knect’s backyard.

“I woke up to my dog Bubba barking and this dipshit yelling ‘Fuck Fuck Fucking Fuck,’” said Knect. “I ran out there like a bat outta Hell and sees this skinny fucker sprawled out trying to grab as much duct tape off of the ground as possible. Like I says, he was a skinny fucker, but he broke into my home and was probably on crack, so punted him like that Italian Patriots kicker that went to the Colts—what’s his name… Vinatieriiii?”

Despite having several thousands of dollars in cash piled on Knect’s survival shelter table, Knightly only tried to steal the basic goods he was caught with.

When questioned by the Police, Knightly proclaimed that “You don’t understand you synth fuckers. You don’t even realize you’re synths. There are no rules anymore, it’s the apocalypse. There is no paper currency, only Nuka caps. I hit the motherlode. Shelves of military grade duct tape. Adhesive man, it’s all about the adhesive.”

When asked about his motive, Hunt stated, “I was only about 200 caps from being able to purchase the ‘home plate’ apartment in Diamond City. That should have been enough to boost my charisma level and be Piper’s ‘sancho.’” Hunt’s attorney indicated Hunt is being evaluated for psychological issues.

Oddly enough, the Police were able to perform the complicated math related to the situation and later arrested Knect for money laundering.

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