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How To Be Zen Without Being a Douchebag

We live in a loud, obnoxious, ugly, and yes sometimes orange “Trumped-up” world. We all want a little more peace… a little calmer. What we don’t want is to come off as being a self-righteous, boring, judgemental prick. Here is a quick guide to being “zen.”

Thou shall not be a douchebag

1. Calm your woke self down

There was a guy that I use to vaguely be friends with. Let’s call him Jeremy. Jeremy was a self-righteous, judgmental prick… everyone learn a lesson from Jeremy on how to lose friends and alienate people. He was as woke as a woke mofo can be. Jeremy thought he had the whole world figured out. Capitalism was evil. Communism was awesome! Crushing pus had to be done with the utmost “respect” to the lady. What was truly unforgivable was that he couldn’t just have a conversation about topics he felt strongly about (every topic was one he felt strongly about), he had to lecture everyone on why they were wrong and why he was right. You either agreed with him or you were an evil dumbass who should be exorcised off the face of the planet. I knew Jeremy for two years, in that time he went from having a decent amount of friends to having no friends. Ladies and gentleman that is what happens when you think you know it all!

2. Keep your kale chips to yourself

I’m sure that your new sexy diet is going to cure me of all my present aliments or my future Lifetime movie inspired diseases. It will, of course, have little impact on the planet. This diet will probably involve purging the evil toxins out of my body (which by the way only your liver and kidneys can do), eating no animal products, excluding anything white or with gluten. I know I need air to live but I can’t live with only that. Please do the world a favor and keep your boring expensive diet advice to yourself, Gwyneth Paltrow, while I snack on my Cup Noodles and microwaved hot dog, bitch!

3. Weed is not the end all

I know you like the weed, my friend! Nowadays, it would seem that almost everyone is down with marijuana or what my great-grandmother would call the devil’s cigarette. Everyone has that one friend who swears that weed will bring about world peace if only everyone would just light up. This friend believes that we could do everything better when we smoke pot. This includes anything from driving to solving math problems. Listen, it’s totally chill if you want to smoke but it’s not cool if that’s all you do with your life. Sitting on your ass, watching South Park reruns and eating hot pockets ain’t going to do dick for your life or the world.

Thou shall try to be zen like

1. Number one rule of zen club

So you think you’re zen? Well Champ, do you know what the number one rule about zen club is? It’s not to talk about zen club! You may be a member but don’t boast about it -that’s not zen. Keep it on the down low.

2. Know the truth

I’m sorry to say but unless you are a Buddhist monk, you are not zen. No one really is! We have outward and inward struggles that we go through our entire lives. We can’t always live in the moment or be calm. That’s not realistic. Even if we could be at peace 24/7 would we really want to? Can you imagine how truly boring life would be without daydreaming or feeling a negative emotion? Hell, even Mr. Miyagi got mad at times and felt sadness. We are human beings we feel, we bleed. If you really want to be a little bit happier and a little bit less fucked up, know that life is suffering and apathy is not the solution to life.

3. You do what you do and I do what I do

Someone said something you don’t like? Did someone vote for the “wrong” candidate? Did someone wear something you don’t approve of? To achieve modern “zen-ness” you must accept that you only have the right to control yourself. You are in charge of you! You are not in charge of anyone else no matter how much you are offended. Infringing on someone’s right to be true themselves or make their own decisions is fucked-up to say the least, Kim Jong Un.

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