Life is hard. There are a million choices we could make in our lives that will impact us in ways we can never even imagine… but let’s be honest with all these choices we think to ourselves, “What the fuck do I do with my life?” Do I go back to college? Do I stay in a relationship that’s just so-so? Do I stay in a job I hate? Do I leave the town I grew up in?
Secretly, most of us don’t have enough ambition to go out of our way to do anything that would amount to winning a Nobel Peace Prize or an Oscar. And that’s fine! If your goal in life is to have no goals but to get your judgmental family and friends off your back, then I have the solution for you! Here is my guide to pretend to be doing something with your life:
1) Talk in great detail about the book you’re writing
Let’s face it, writers are cool. The idea of pouring your soul out for months at a time on a piece of paper to create a piece of work that could potentially touch the hearts of millions across, not just the world, but time, is so hot and interesting! But, who the hell wants to actually spend the time putting together a thoughtful interesting story that had something deeper to say?
Instead of writing a novel just say you are writing one. If someone wants to see it, just say that you’re too critical of yourself to let anyone read it until it’s done. What’s great about this lie is that it really does take some people decades to write a novel. So, this lie can go on forever. Every time people see you on your phone or laptop you could say, “Just writing my novel. I need quiet.” And no one would ever know you’re lying. Then there’s the obvious question that you will get asked, “What’s your novel about?”
Simple, just watch one season of some old PBS British crime drama from them and take the plot from that while changing the names of the characters. No one is the wiser.
If someone has seen that show then just be surprised at the similarity.
2) Talk about traveling (you never actually have to do this)
Whatever Instagram and Pinterest may show, traveling is expensive and exhausting. Most people do want to travel at some point in their life, but like most Americans, we don’t do this due to expense, hassle (to get a passport), and horror travel stories (Locked Up Abroad). Honestly, sometimes it is better to just stay at home watching Netflix on a warm bed.
Since most people do want to travel, why not join them in on your lie of having wanderlust? Talk about the mountains you want to climb, the sights you want to see, and the gorgeous foreigners you want to meet. Eventually, people will see you as someone who really has a passion for life.
3) Volunteer one time somewhere and then for the next five years talk about your love of volunteering
Everyone respects people who donate their time to give compassion to those who need it most. Sadly, most of us don’t have the time or compassion to get our heads out of our self-absorbed asses to do this. Why not just volunteer one day at an animal shelter, take cute photos and then never shut the fuck up for the next five years about your love of volunteering. This will not only make you seem like a better person but you’ll also seem like a busy person. Bonus points: Volunteering will be a great excuse to why you don’t have any money, as well.
4) Get a partner
Start dating a person that doesn’t annoy you too much and looks okay. You can marry this person and possibly start a family. If you are raising a family no one will ever question if you’re doing something with your life.
If your marriage fails, that’s fine! Divorce also can count as you doing something with your life. Plus, there are all these great conversations you can have with people about how your new life is going to be so different and better without your spouse (in reality it will be the same). Then start dating new people and then marry one of them. Talk about how great your new partner is (even though they are probably the same).