How To Tell If Your Child Will Grow Up To Be A Serial Killer

By: Kurt Newton

Let’s face it, no parent ever wants to admit it: their child grew up to be a serial killer. But, hey, it happens. A very small percentage of the population become serial killers, those are the facts. So, fess up, parents. Is your child exhibiting signs? Here’s an unscientific guide by which to tell.

Sign #1: Are they weird? 

At an early age does your child do things that just make you shake your head and say, “Wow, that child’s weird,” “He’s a strange one,” or “What the fuck’s gotten into your head, boy!” 

I know, weird is hard to define. It’s sister to strange, uncle to unusual, cousin to crazy. So, here are some helpful hints.

At the age of three, is your child more curious about their own saliva than learning how to talk? Saliva obsession: the smearing of, the playing with appears to be an indicator of oral fixation, which in turn leads to an abnormal craving for human appendages in one’s mouth–fingers, toes, ears, eyeballs. So, be on the lookout. 

Another weirdity would be if your child displays an unhealthy enjoyment with being buried. A collection of blankets, a laundry basket full of clothing, a wagon carrying blocks and small toys… if your child enjoys lying underneath a pile of anything, it could be an early sign of death fascination, experimentations in immobility, a way to imprint that feeling of helplessness so when they do it to others, a pleasurable sensation will result. Don’t let this child outside unsupervised, especially if there’s a loose mound of dirt nearby.

Sign #2: Do they possess an unblinking stare?

This one’s a no-brainer. If your child looks at you and their eyes are devoid of all human emotion, this could be an indication of early sociopathic tendencies. If the hair rises on the back of your neck and you have to remind yourself of that trip to the hardware store for safety locks to put on the kitchen knife drawer, then better to err on the side of caution and seek help.

Keep in mind, however, that petit mal seizures are common in toddlers and that distant stare could be a momentary glitch in the firing of the brain’s synapses. Your child could be simply thinking… nothing. Or it could be he/she is plotting the best way to kill you in your sleep.

No, your child is not the spawn of Satan. No, his/her soul hasn’t been robbed by tiny soul-robbing minions to curry favor with a powerful vengeance demon. The truth is, your child might grow up to be a serial killer, that’s all. Very fixable. With early detection.

Sign #3: Inappropriate use of food and or pets.

It’s a little known fact that budding serial killers are prone to performing obscene acts with their food. Spending the time to slowly poke a grape with their little finger until a tiny suction cup pop is achieved, might be an indicator of latent sexual deviance. Filling the mouth with juice or milk and dribbling it onto smooth surfaces such as tabletops, bouncy balls, or metal race cars could point toward a predisposed fascination for the spilling of bodily fluids. Conversely, it could also mean you have a messy child who likes being messy. Good luck trying to potty train that one!

As for pets, if you catch your child attempting to suffocate the family dog or cat, and the expression on their face is one of maniacal glee, the prognosis that your child will be a productive member of society is, well, not good. This form of behavior needs to be nipped in the bud or else your child will move on to bigger, more challenging things to suffocate, i.e., that play date you’ve arranged with the next door neighbor’s child.

In closing, I’d like to repeat that the odds your child will grow up to be a serial killer are very, very slim. However, one can never be too proactive when it comes to preventing the development of the most heinous criminals in our society. 

So, be on the lookout for those acts of weirdness, that unblinking stare, a high incidence of unexpected pet death–the reputation of your entire family tree might be on the line. 

No parent ever wants to admit that their child grew up to be a serial killer. So let that parent be someone else, not you.

This message was sponsored by the AdCouncil for the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services; Purina Puppy Chow; and Huggies Brand Disposable Diapers.

Check out Kurt Newton’s horrifying piece, Something Profound that will keep you up at night here.