How To Tell If Your Child Will Grow Up To Be A Serial Killer

By: Kurt Newton

Let’s face it, no parent ever wants to admit it: their child grew up to be a serial killer. But, hey, it happens. A very small percentage of the population become serial killers, those are the facts. So, fess up, parents. Is your child exhibiting signs? Here’s an unscientific guide by which to tell.

Sign #1: Are they weird? 

At an early age does your child do things that just make you shake your head and say, “Wow, that child’s weird,” “He’s a strange one,” or “What the fuck’s gotten into your head, boy!” 

I know, weird is hard to define. It’s sister to strange, uncle to unusual, cousin to crazy. So, here are some helpful hints.

At the age of three, is your child more curious about their own saliva than learning how to talk? Saliva obsession: the smearing of, the playing with appears to be an indicator of oral fixation, which in turn leads to an abnormal craving for human appendages in one’s mouth–fingers, toes, ears, eyeballs. So, be on the lookout. 

Another weirdity would be if your child displays an unhealthy enjoyment with being buried. A collection of blankets, a laundry basket full of clothing, a wagon carrying blocks and small toys… if your child enjoys lying underneath a pile of anything, it could be an early sign of death fascination, experimentations in immobility, a way to imprint that feeling of helplessness so when they do it to others, a pleasurable sensation will result. Don’t let this child outside unsupervised, especially if there’s a loose mound of dirt nearby.

Sign #2: Do they possess an unblinking stare?

This one’s a no-brainer. If your child looks at you and their eyes are devoid of all human emotion, this could be an indication of early sociopathic tendencies. If the hair rises on the back of your neck and you have to remind yourself of that trip to the hardware store for safety locks to put on the kitchen knife drawer, then better to err on the side of caution and seek help.

Keep in mind, however, that petit mal seizures are common in toddlers and that distant stare could be a momentary glitch in the firing of the brain’s synapses. Your child could be simply thinking… nothing. Or it could be he/she is plotting the best way to kill you in your sleep.

No, your child is not the spawn of Satan. No, his/her soul hasn’t been robbed by tiny soul-robbing minions to curry favor with a powerful vengeance demon. The truth is, your child might grow up to be a serial killer, that’s all. Very fixable. With early detection.

Sign #3: Inappropriate use of food and or pets.

It’s a little known fact that budding serial killers are prone to performing obscene acts with their food. Spending the time to slowly poke a grape with their little finger until a tiny suction cup pop is achieved, might be an indicator of latent sexual deviance. Filling the mouth with juice or milk and dribbling it onto smooth surfaces such as tabletops, bouncy balls, or metal race cars could point toward a predisposed fascination for the spilling of bodily fluids. Conversely, it could also mean you have a messy child who likes being messy. Good luck trying to potty train that one!

As for pets, if you catch your child attempting to suffocate the family dog or cat, and the expression on their face is one of maniacal glee, the prognosis that your child will be a productive member of society is, well, not good. This form of behavior needs to be nipped in the bud or else your child will move on to bigger, more challenging things to suffocate, i.e., that play date you’ve arranged with the next door neighbor’s child.

In closing, I’d like to repeat that the odds your child will grow up to be a serial killer are very, very slim. However, one can never be too proactive when it comes to preventing the development of the most heinous criminals in our society. 

So, be on the lookout for those acts of weirdness, that unblinking stare, a high incidence of unexpected pet death–the reputation of your entire family tree might be on the line. 

No parent ever wants to admit that their child grew up to be a serial killer. So let that parent be someone else, not you.

This message was sponsored by the AdCouncil for the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services; Purina Puppy Chow; and Huggies Brand Disposable Diapers.

Check out Kurt Newton’s horrifying piece, Something Profound that will keep you up at night here.

Awesome Totally Awesome - Freaks & Weirdos Boutique
ATA - DTK

Awesome Dropping

Awesome Totally Awesome - Blizzard of Ozz

Recording Blizzard of Ozz & Diary of a Madman

It's a long way back in time now, but the man who helped Ozzy Osbourne record two of the greatest albums in metal history still has a pretty good memory of how they were made back in the early 1980s.
Awesome Totally Awesome Van Halen 5150

A Look Back at the Making of Van Halen's 5150 Album

After parting ways with original singer David Lee Roth after the 1984 tour, Van Halen was a band without a singer.
Awesome Totally Awesome - DTK

Top Five Feuds Between Rock Band Members

Much like a family, members of rock bands don't always see eye to eye and often aren't shy about venting their feelings and frustrations towards each other.

Awesome Features

Fucking Eh

I had just arrived in Paris after spending the past five weeks in Angola managing some offshore drilling rigs.  Shitty job.  After laying down the rules, I got some pushback from the locals.  Not a surprise.  Typical work politics down there.

Fear And Loathing In The Penthouse Poker Game

I finally got the call.  A friend of mine, who runs several legitimate businesses, but tends to spend his off time in the shadows had told me about a private, big baller home game held weekly in the penthouse suite of a Los Angeles area, deluxe, high-rise apartment. 
Awesome Totally Awesome Zen Hipster Douche

How To Be Zen Without Being a Douchebag

We live in a loud, obnoxious, ugly, and yes sometimes orange “Trumped-up” world. We all want a little more peace… a little calmer.

Awesome Trending

Awesome Totally Awesome - Refused

Reviewing Refused - The Shape of Punk to Come’s and Its Precognition

In 1998, the Swedish punk band Refused released an album so influential that its fans and bands alike would guide the Invisible Hand of fandom.
Awesome Totally Awesome

Fallout Gamers Already Planning Sick Days, Family Emergencies, Vacation Time, and Any Excuse to Work Remotely in Anticipation of Fallout 76 Release this November

Eileen, a luck 10 has plans to “Just wing it and miss three weeks of work.  I’ll cross my fingers and toes and hope I have a job whenever, I decide to return.”
Awesome Totally Awesome - Utterly Bias

Utterly Bias and Unscholarly (But True) Study Reveals That Autotune is Like a Drug to Millennials

A recent study from ATA’s own DTK (Drink the KoolAid) laboratory, revealed that Millennials and Post Millennials alike are genetically predisposed to become addicted to Autotune.