Awesome Totally Awesome - What The Buckle

What the Buckle

Sometime around spring this year, my guy friends were passing around their phone looking at a shoe design that was about to drop. I took a quick glance and was perturbed. (And of course now I can’t find the image regardless how unique my Google Searches are.) I think they were Jordans? (VIII’s)  But honestly you could show me a whole line up of Jordans and I’d be like “Oh cool, so…basketball shoes?”

Full disclosure men’s shoes are as confusing to me as women’s shoes are confusing to men. Is the playing field leveled now?  To give an examples, when you say “loafer” I simultaneously think of a foot putting on a banana peel and just a cartoon loaf of bread. My mind, it is something else.

Regardless, I was upset by this picture because there was a fat, matte, plastic, black buckle designed into the shoe. Those buckles that no matter how old you are, can pinch your fingers if you’re not looking. Those buckles that are more for utility on a dog’s collar than to hold your two year old in a car seat. Those pieces of shit. (Am I talking about the buckle or the kid?)

I saw the picture and thought of the story of The Emperor’s New Clothes. Selling garbage at high rates and calling it high fashion, how silly men are when it comes to shoes, I thought. Until…

I was scrolling through Instagram—as I do for five hours every day and then complain that there’s not enough time for me to be productive and apologize to everyone I haven’t texted back promptly—and then I saw it. One of the bikini boutiques I followed posted looks from a fashion show featuring Frankie’s Bikinis. And the atrocity stared in my face and laughed.

Awesome Totally Awesome - What The Buckle

Buckles

Why?!

Why had my most favorite thing in the world (bikinis—I love them!) been tarnished by these plastic clips that are designed to keep children from getting out, and yet children always can figure them out.

What did this add to the bikini? Do the designers think, “Hey, you know what’s really sexy? Rolling around on the sand making out with your summer fling with washboard abs then he reaches to pinch off your bikini.”

PINCH?! Also, with those plastic death traps so close to skin, there is no doubt people will get pinched upon getting into the bikini and getting out of it! Someone is going to get hurt.

And it wasn’t just that one piece…

Buckles, buckles, everywhere! WHY?!   And who was the creative director that said, “you know what pairs really well with buckles? Construction safety glasses, but those are too abrasive for our vibe so put on these 8th grade science class goggles that don’t actually protect you from highly acidic solutions.”

I know that since this line came out, I have seen buckles pop up more and more in fashion, but I choose to ignore them. If you feel personally attacked, please join me and print this article and plaster it all over your office space in defiance. Thank you.

Awesome Totally Awesome - Freaks & Weirdos Boutique
ATA - DTK

Awesome Dropping

Awesome Totally Awesome - Biker Shorts

Biker Shorts: The Athleisure Trend That Needs to Stop

It’s not news that biker shorts have been a thing this year. While it was nothing short of an atrocity from the get-go, there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight.
Awesome Totally Awesome - Where Is My Mind

Where is My Mind; Or ****, I Ate The Whole Brownie

I was in a small spaceship, galaxies away from home when I realized I had lost my mind.
Awesome Totally Awesome Overwatch Worst Players

Top 5 Terrible Players in Overwatch

However, there’s always going to be those who pay no mind to what is needed to achieve victory but rather prioritize their own fulfillment of self-gratification. As done to death as this topic may be, here is my list of the top five worst players in Overwatch (in no particular order).

Awesome Features

Awesome Totally Awesome

Awesome Totally Awesome's Review of Balenciaga's Spring 2018 Lookbook

/
I should open with the following statement: I know nothing about high fashion. But I do know the difference between something aesthetically pleasing tickling my photoreceptors from an outfit that makes me think “What’s going on here?!”
Awesome Totally Awesome Eminem

Kamikaze Fallout: Who Took the Biggest L from Eminem

The hip-hop community has been torn to shreds by its great white shark, Eminem, these past few weeks with the release of his newest album titled Kamikaze.

Shut The Fuck Up Apple Cheddar Pie

This Awesome Totally Awesome recipe comes from Chef Vanessa Rosenspies formerly the head Pastry Chef at Model Milk one of Canada’s most celebrated restaurants in Calgary, Alberta, Canada.

Awesome Trending

UBER Chronicles

Uber Chronicles: Tuesday Morning Microagression

Mike was my fellow Uber passenger. He got out to help me into the vehicle. As he got back in, he told Bob, our driver, to hop to it! Bob thanked him for helping me get in.
Awesome Totally Awesome Beastie Boys Check Your Head

Why Check Your Head By the Beasties Will Always Be My Favorite Album

Check Your Head was named after a random occurrence wherein Ad Rock had purchased a pack of Desert Storm trading cards and brought them to the studio. 
Awesome Totally Awesome Cliff Burton 5 Best Songs

The 5 Best Metallica Songs Co-Written by Cliff Burton

Revered and influential Metallica bassist Cliff Burton died 30 years ago today during the Master of Puppets Tour in Sweden. Burton helped write many of the great tracks from Metallica's first three albums. Here are 5 of the best songs Burton co-wrote.