What the Buckle

October 21, 2018/in Awesome, Steez /by Olivia Hill

Sometime around spring this year, my guy friends were passing around their phone looking at a shoe design that was about to drop. I took a quick glance and was perturbed. (And of course now I can’t find the image regardless how unique my Google Searches are.) I think they were Jordans? (VIII’s) But honestly you could show me a whole line up of Jordans and I’d be like “Oh cool, so…basketball shoes?”

Full disclosure men’s shoes are as confusing to me as women’s shoes are confusing to men. Is the playing field leveled now? To give an examples, when you say “loafer” I simultaneously think of a foot putting on a banana peel and just a cartoon loaf of bread. My mind, it is something else.

Regardless, I was upset by this picture because there was a fat, matte, plastic, black buckle designed into the shoe. Those buckles that no matter how old you are, can pinch your fingers if you’re not looking. Those buckles that are more for utility on a dog’s collar than to hold your two year old in a car seat. Those pieces of shit. (Am I talking about the buckle or the kid?)

I saw the picture and thought of the story of The Emperor’s New Clothes. Selling garbage at high rates and calling it high fashion, how silly men are when it comes to shoes, I thought. Until…

I was scrolling through Instagram—as I do for five hours every day and then complain that there’s not enough time for me to be productive and apologize to everyone I haven’t texted back promptly—and then I saw it. One of the bikini boutiques I followed posted looks from a fashion show featuring Frankie’s Bikinis. And the atrocity stared in my face and laughed.

Buckles

Why?!

Why had my most favorite thing in the world (bikinis—I love them!) been tarnished by these plastic clips that are designed to keep children from getting out, and yet children always can figure them out.

What did this add to the bikini? Do the designers think, “Hey, you know what’s really sexy? Rolling around on the sand making out with your summer fling with washboard abs then he reaches to pinch off your bikini.”

PINCH?! Also, with those plastic death traps so close to skin, there is no doubt people will get pinched upon getting into the bikini and getting out of it! Someone is going to get hurt.

And it wasn’t just that one piece…

Buckles, buckles, everywhere! WHY?! And who was the creative director that said, “you know what pairs really well with buckles? Construction safety glasses, but those are too abrasive for our vibe so put on these 8^th grade science class goggles that don’t actually protect you from highly acidic solutions.”

I know that since this line came out, I have seen buckles pop up more and more in fashion, but I choose to ignore them. If you feel personally attacked, please join me and print this article and plaster it all over your office space in defiance. Thank you.